He Didn't Ask and He Knew Better

Just because you're in a relationship, does not mean that you should not ask for consent. It does not mean that you have ownership over your mate's body. And it doesn't mean that rape or being taken advantage of sexually, while in a relationship, comes up void. I know...because it happened to me.

It was the summer of June 2015. My boyfriend was about 27 and I had just turned 23 in April. We were staying at his parents' house for easy access to the Firefly Music Festival. About a month or so earlier, we had just found out that I was pregnant. It was not expected and we were trying to cope around it all. I remember trying my best to tough it out through my morning sickness. I didn't want to disappoint my boyfriend by ditching the festivities without giving it a fair try.

We weren't really getting along during our stay. Tensions were high and honestly I was in no condition to be a "festival girl" that summer. All I wanted to do was hug a toilet. During one afternoon of the festival, we decided to stay in bed. I wasn't being attacked by nausea so we decided to have sex. We had sex. He finished. He didn't pull out.

Confusion. "Did you just cum in me?" There was a shrug of the shoulders and little eye contact. "I thought it was OK. You're pregnant." ...What? My mind was swirling...

I have always been adamant about him pulling out. He knew EXACTLY where I stood. Why would he make such drastic decision FOR ME? Why would he assume that my mind just suddenly changed? Just because I'm pregnant, that does not make me some dump truck so you can experience your orgasms uninterrupted without consequence! Wait...did I just compare this precious body mine, this body that is performing the miracle of creation, to a dump truck? ...Is that how he makes me feel? Inanimate used?...

I pushed the thought back. I looked him in his eye and told him that this is not OK. I explicitly told him how disrespected I felt and how confused I was. He pushed back. He tried to sway my opinion. Aggressively. "It's not like you can get pregnant." "Why not?" "What's the problem?" What was happening here? Why was I being questioned of a decision that was ultimately, hands down, my own? By the end of a exhausting conversation, He gave me his word that it wouldn't happen again...But it did.

That same evening. Between my legs. I was a dump truck for his waste. I was inanimate. Used and ignored. By someone I have entrusted not only with my body, my soul. He came in with his sledge hammer and wrecked me. He rolled over and said nothing. I lay there with tears in my eyes. All I could hope for was that this new life that was forming inside of me could not feel the growing anguish that was ripping through my heart and drowning me whole.*

Ladies. Know what is happening. Do not ignore your intuition. Your gut. Or whatever your momma taught you to call it. When these things happen, it's HARD to look at it in the face! But...we have to. Do not fabricate the reality of anything or anyone that makes you feel void, small, invaded, etc. The list goes on. I will say it until I am blue: YOUR. BODY. IS. YOURS. NO. MEANS. NO.

If somebody crosses that line, they don't love you. They don't care about you and your kids and your dreams. They are sick. And not the sick you pity. Men who rape and molest and take advantage of you and your body are the kind of sick that needs to be f*cking incarcerated. Because if they are not held responsible for their actions, they are just going to do it again and again and get worse. They don't care about CONSENT!

Take care of your mind. Your body. And your sweet sweet souls, my sisters. If these things have happened to you, seek counseling. Find someone to talk to. Write about it, cry it, and scream it. This still cuts me up. But we have to make noise, my sisters. We have to reach out to one another and crush the demons that haunt us. We can heal. We will heal. We will destroy rape culture.