Girl Guides

We are judgemental creatures, we all have those moments where we say or think something that projects unnecessary negativity towards someone unsuspecting but is that a matter of nature or nurture? Someone once told me that the first thing you think about someone is often the voice of society and if you think something different afterwards, that is your personal voice. This has given me comfort when I have been judgmental towards others but that voice in my mind tells me "Who are you to think that?" This helps me believe that I am not a bad person, driven by bitterness, but that perhaps, that's just my programming. I want to talk about this from a point of view I understand, as my capacity to speak for anyone else is limited from my experience. I want to talk about the women who knock down other women for no reason. I don't believe that this is a natural state of being, that it is written into our DNA. I believe it is a learned trait that needs to be "unlearned."In my experience, this tends to happen with beauty and body image a lot, but can also include (but not be limited to) sexual freedom, work, relationships, recognition and attention.

"She is too fat/thin/built, she isn't a real woman, someone her size/age shouldn't be wearing that, she's a bit of a slut, she's begging for attention"

The list could go on. In a world where the majority of advertising campaigns are based around subtly telling us that we are not good enough without their product, with unrealistic images smiling at us through glossy pages in fashion magazines that are eighty percent advertising and twenty percent puff pieces, it is hard to not become image-obsessed. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and it seems that the more you fit the conventional mould of beauty, the higher you can climb in life, such is our aesthetic society. Beauty is a commodity in a capitalist society. I wonder, perhaps if our preoccupation with knocking each other down is part of this construct. Since beauty is often shown to equal success, is there a belittlement to the venom that is shared between some women? Is this a situation that seems threatening to ones own success? Everybody enjoys a certain amount of attention. It is psychologically gratifying to receive positive attention, yet there is such a huge stigma to the words "attention seeker." It is a term that is only ever used in a negative sense and whilst there are many forms of negative attention seeking, some can be wholly positive. Attention can be a very natural and enjoyable experience, yet we are always quick to call it out as something else. In no way am I saying that every woman should get your wholehearted support for every action, simply because you share a gender identity. There can be personal reasons for dislike, damaging attitudes involved or things that you simply disagree with. That is fine, you have a right to disagree with people. What I am talking about is the onslaught of random attacks that women make on other women, even the ones said in silence in their minds, without reason. Why are we still doing this? I've been making a pact with myself recently, to allow that little voice in my mind to second guess any judgement that I make, to stand up for other women more and to try and be more supportive because I have been on both sides of this bitter coin. I have been the girl judged harshly by strangers and I have done this myself. I am not proud of the latter. Since I have made that pact, I have actually found that my interactions with the females in my life and those who are strangers to me, have been so much more rewarding. I've stopped myself looking through the gauze of convention and started seeing beauty in a broader spectrum, started empowering the women I see making moves in business and supporting those who need it. I wouldn't have said that I was a judgemental person but taking some time to reflect, I have to admit that I was and sometimes still can be, though I am working on that every day. Now I'm not saying this to toot my own proverbial horn, I truly have found that the rewards of this change of mentality have been entirely beneficial. They have even changed the way that I look at myself. Whilst still plagued with image doubts, I am now able to stop making comparisons as often. To settle into who I am a little more. There have been many shifts recently that have seen women banding together more (the #metoo campaign springs to mind) over shared hardship and whilst it was simultaneously beautiful and heartbreaking to watch the support that poured out in these situations. It shouldn't only be in issues of hardship that we lend each other that support. Taking a little time to offer a "pick me up" in the day can be a matter of a few words that make a huge difference and can cause a chain reaction. This goes for anybody, not just woman to woman. When we support each other, we can achieve more. When we band together, we are more powerful. When we offer compliments, we give weapons against insecurity. There are large changes we can make when united or there are small, personal changes, both are of equal merit. Being on either side of negativity is not a good feeling. Negativity breeds more of the same and whilst we may think that toxic comments will make us feel better, all they do is open us up to an equally toxic rebuttal. This competition is something that none of us signed up for. It was in place when we were born and slowly trickled into our collective psyche but that doesn't mean that it is a real and tangible thing. The competition only exists whilst we are competing. According to the Ekman emotion theory, we have six innate emotions: Fear, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise and disgust. Within these categories there are many nuances and intensities. Jealousy and insecurity sit together as a nuance of threat and anger. Judgement and loathing are products of disgust. If we are to look at this theory, it presents a fairly bleak outlook, since the majority of the innate emotions are negative ones. When broken down this makes sense, since negative emotions are often tools for learning and protecting oneself but it does make it seem like our chances of positive emotions run fairly slim. So what are the nuances of happiness according to this theory? To cherry pick some, they include: Open, hopeful, loving, courageous, respected, fulfilled, confident, important and liberated. Are these not all things that we would like to be able to feel? These are things we are all capable of helping each other feel. When we support someone and show our loving and caring to them, when we pick them up on a dark day and show them hope or fill them with courage, when we respect them or their work and when we don't deny them their rights. I truly believe that we could achieve so much more happiness if we broke this cycle of competition. This article may be about women supporting women but it works on a wider spectrum too and actually isn't difficult to do. It takes some practice, something I am still working on but it opens doors to healthier and more nurturing relationships and society. Next time that unprompted negativity springs to mind, ask yourself why you are thinking this?Where is this coming from and do you truly believe it? Whilst you may find me sanctimonious, this comes from a place of hope. An idealistic place but one with a very achievable goal. There are people who have worded this much better than I and those articles can be found with a swift search but I wanted to add my name to the pile in my own show of support. After all, this is what this whole tome has been about.