Fugly Filter

“Rather weighty, this.” - The Mummy Returns: Rise of the Scorpion King

I feel like that quote applies with my heart. I think about that heart versus feather thing sometimes, and my heart feels so filled with all the weight of my emotional luggage. As it is, sometimes it even physically feels like I’m lugging my heart around within my chest.

There’s one I still get chest pains over, no matter how much I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried just focusing in on getting a job. Well, I don’t have a job that gets me out of the house, so that’s not working. I try to move on at least physically by having a sex life and dating life and that hasn’t worked either. They’re not knocking down my door except to like me as a person, not my body. I might as well be friend-zoned.

I’m tired of being held to the standards most W/women have for themselves. I’m not them. I don’t feel sexually harassed if a cute guy looks me up and down. I’d be grateful and flattered. But they’re not looking at that; they’re looking into me instead.

I’ve got friends and family and a therapist for that; I don’t need them on top of that. I’m also not here for their emotional luggage either, which a girlfriend and not just a one-time thing or a friend with benefits would have to put up with.

I have enough to carry around within my heart without carrying a man’s crap too. And I don’t like the nice guy flirting method. I don’t like just a "hi;" I like a "hi, sexy" or "hey, sexy." No, we don’t know you’re interested in us and like our bodies just ‘cause you went up to us. At least I don’t.

Friends and family (platonic) is one category. Dating and sexual is another category. I didn’t say romantic for a reason.

Men will not get my heart, but they’ll get sex and no STDs and no baby. I thought they wanted that. Now it seems they want the opposite.

My emotional heart can’t do that much heavy lifting. I don’t want to have to just to get sex. I’m even honest and direct about it with men. I thought they liked that. Now, they’re mad at me for my standards.

There’s something about the rule about a man being you don’t yank him around, just his dick. I don’t yank them around and yet they’re butthurt anyway about what I do want.

I don’t want to have to play games just to get a man to want only sex from me, or to get him to know that I only want that. It’s too much effort and my emotional energy is going towards my crap, getting a job, and trying to get a sex life. Failing miserably in two of them.

No, being beautiful enough for marriage or a relationship doesn’t make me feel outwardly beautiful. It doesn’t let me know I could get sex because of my looks.

A man eye-humping me does. His looking at my body, not just me, with longing in his eyes lets me know that my body has that effect.

I guess it doesn’t. Not enough to preclude the necessity of a relationship anyway. Hmph.

So, when am I scheduled to die of a broken heart? Seems like I’ve overstayed my welcome.

I’m 31, I’ve seen enough of life. I’ve been raped at age 11, had a miscarriage at age 19, been verbally abused about my weight by my father, got the miscarriage because of physical abuse from my mother, and been physically abused by her before age 18. I’ve seen what people expect of me at my weight, not much sexually.

Just to clarify, weight gain does not mean lesbianism. It does not mean I’m taken. It means I’m trying to get comfy with myself at this weight because I don’t want to have to think I should be thin just to be hot.