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I don't know how to make up. I'm not entirely sure of the reasons why; that's a lie it's because I'm lazy.
Now my basic makeup skills fit perfectly with my basic bitch lifestyle, yet there are days where I'm feeling adventurous and want to see more than mascara on those eyes! And yes I've watched the tutorials, I mean I've skimmed through the tutorials, and by that I mean I've re-watched the part where they apply it about 20 times, then I have a go and fail and get upset and start binge watching Gilmore Girls—again. I mean we've all been there!
Let's face the reality of the situation; I'm not exactly someone who cares that much about makeup. I mean I don't even contour, I'm not 100% sure I know what contouring is, I just hear the word a lot. As you see in the video I accepted my failure very early on, perhaps makeup is a metaphor for life? I mean that would make sense, as there are some people who are very successful, and then there are people like me. I mean it's not the best metaphor, but it will do.
The best thing someone told me after seeing this video was that liquid eyeliner is the most difficult one to apply. Naively the person who told me this didn't know that I was going to use that as the reason for my failure. If you can't succeed, blame your tools. That's my motto now. I mean I want to work in television, so far I am not succeeding in that goal, therefore I blame my Religion and Theology degree, not my choice to do a Religion and Theology degree. Obviously...
But back to my makeup failures, not my non-make up failures, since, well, I don’t have a good reason to why we should move on, but we’re going to.
Every time (and by this I mean 2 times) someone has complimented my face, it was because of somebody else’s make up artistry. For instance, I once did a play where I played the Griffin in Alice in Wonderland (I know I should’ve been Alice, even though I’m a terrible actor). Now the Griffin had the least lines, the least stage time, but the most painted face (Furthermore, I’d like to come to my director’s defense in casting me with the least lined role because I did corpse, like, every night). Now, this immense makeup extravaganza meant my eyebrows were particularly on point. To quote my friend on Snapchat in 2015, “Your eyebrows look on fleek bae,” where I appropriately replied with, “Lol.” Unfortunately, I don’t think my eyebrows were ever that ‘on fleek’ again since nobody has ever said that to me since 2015.
That Time Where My Eyes Did the Eyeliner Flick Thing
Moving on to the second and last time somebody complimented my face. It was a recent event, where I journeyed to a photo shoot with a Groupon voucher and a misunderstanding of how this Groupon voucher worked. Anyway, this miscalculated event (which I won’t get into, just know before the shoot I had money, now I have a lot less money) provided me with the opportunity to have a makeover! I was told that in this makeover I had that contour thing happen to me, I know cray, isn’t it? Moreover, in this makeover, I had the beautiful eyeliner flick thing, which you clearly saw me not recreating in my video. This eyeliner malarkey got me my very second face compliment! I know, this time it wasn’t from a dear friend, but from my brother’s girlfriend, which is development I think? I’m impressing my future sister-in-law! Maybe, I don’t know their views about marriage.
I guess the key lesson in all of this is, erm, well you know, it’s clearly there, so… Go forth and take that lesson on board. Yup.