Viva logo

Empowering Through Education

#Let Us Work Together

By Lesley Anne ArmourPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
Like

My first experience of assault—and I mean by that a smack on the backside—was in the late 1980s. This man creeped me out so much that I would jump in the wardrobe to hide (I was working as a chambermaid) if I heard him coming down the hotel corridor, because if he caught me in the room, he would sit on the bed and try to get me to sit with him and verbally proposition me, heavy breathing added for effect.

I was, at the time, just out of my teens. I felt harried, preyed upon, scared, humiliated. I never told anyone. He made me feel dirty and embarrassed. He was friends with the hotel manager.

I never felt abused. Shocking, is it not? Shocking to say I have had to be educated. I left school with O'levels and an A'level in subjects from English, Maths, to Art, but I was never offered a lesson on how to recognise abuse or how to be assertive and how to have respect for myself.

In my 40s, my life began to spiral; high or down on anti-depressants and bullied, culminating in a criminal conviction.

My world collapsed. I felt desperate. At this time, I was given the space and encouragement to talk to doctors, therapists, and a charity that works with victims of and perpetrators of abuse. Suddenly people offered me an education about abuse as I began to tell my story. A story that had been my secret.

My education began. I learned that a woman in her 40s can be groomed. I thought only children were groomed by paedophiles. I understand now that an abuser picks his victim carefully. There are various types of abuse. I learned about my own voice, my rights as an equal person, an individual and a woman.

Originally after my arrest, I called upon myself as an evil deviant or at least a woman of low morals who brought all the hits, shouting, and unwanted touching upon myself. I felt the full weight of blame.

At my lowest, I was suicidal. I felt I could not live with the shame. I felt a failure.

Education brought me perspective. For me, that has been empowering.

So I blame my voice. It was not loud enough to be heard, if it ever spoke. Mostly I had no voice. I remained silent even when my heart was hurting and the screaming in my head was shouting "stop." I blame my lack of assertiveness and my lack of respect not just for my body, but for the intelligent woman I am.

I will not now blame myself for the abuse. I will not listen to the excuses... I am just a boy...I have to take the chance when I get it....you made me do it...

I am worth more than an excuse for their behaviour.

My life has a new perspective. I know my part. I lacked confidence in myself. I failed to trust myself to be strong.

I know his part. He (they) manipulated, emotionally blackmailed, and disrespected me—body, mind, and soul.

At my highest, I know that no man or woman will abuse me again. Let them try.

Today I think about my daughter; feisty, confident, and opinionated. The opposite to me when I was a teenager.

I worry that a handsome deviant will enter her life and groom and abuse her. But she has education. She understands what abuse is. She at least has the headstart that I did not have.

For my daughter, I want her to witness strong women overcoming wrongs. In fact, strong people, because abusers can be any age, ethnicity or gender. So let us not think like victims, let us be dignified human beings.

I have mixed feelings about #METOO because, although I believe this communal empathy has highlighted historic abuse and has given people a voice, and brought abusers to account, I think its sets a precedent of: there will always be victims.

Let us #TOGETHER-RESPECT. Let us be brave, vocal, and transparent. Let us be educated, individual, wear every colour of the rainbow. Let us embody respect for our fellow human beings, and that respect begins with ourselves.

activism
Like

About the Creator

Lesley Anne Armour

Writing is satisfying and cathartic. I enjoy sharing my thoughts & ideas in poetry or prose. I enjoy taking photographs mainly of nature and my cat Maise! Reading and a walk along a beach bring me pleasure. And I love to dance.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.