Earning My Red Badge of Courage

Believe it or not, the picture above is on the property of a hospital. It's actually really pretty, and hundreds of people could enjoy the beauty of the river from their hospital rooms. In fact, it was my father's view. Obviously, a view doesn't make a hospital visit any better, but it can provide a bit a beauty and comfort. I just wish that's how I could've remembered my first trip.

It was the month of October, and I had just turned 12 during the previous month. 12 is pretty important to most kids. After all, they are right on the line of being promoted to a teenager. This range of age is also around the area where females experience a time of change. The visit from Aunt Flo, red badge of courage, and crimson tide are just many nicknames given to this brutal event. If you hadn't guessed already, I'm talking about periods!

My experience was different, and in fact terrifying. For the past half year prior to October, I had been experiencing back pains every now and then. It felt like a I was being stabbed in my lower back near my spine. It was so bad, I couldn't even concentrate at school. My mother and I had the talk already, so everyone in the family obviously pointed their fingers at it being my period. After all, it was time, right? Sort of.

One day in October, the pain hit me incredibly hard. It was worse than I had ever experienced! I remember coming home from karate and sitting on the couch until dinner. Unfortunately, it seemed impossible to get comfortable, and after half an hour of trying I came to the conclusion that it was. My mother gave me soup. Soup is sort of seen as the go-to food when something is wrong health-wise. It's a liquid, broth is good, and so on. I'm sure everyone in the world has felt a physical pain where they didn't want food. You know it must really hurt when that's the case because food is amazing. That was my pain. I just couldn't do it. My parents felt bad, but what more could be done other than some medication and a trip to bed early.

The next day, my father was gone. He had plans with some friends all the way out in a city called Ocala, which is about two hours away. I wish he could have been there. Twenty five years of medical experience and you would expect for him to have some ideas, but unfortunately all of his were incorrect. That left me with my mother. I love that lady, but she wasn't able to answer for what was wrong either. It worried her, and I hated seeing that. I have never been one to express pain. My opinion towards myself doing that would mean I'm weak, but that morning I couldn't help it. Something was definitely wrong. I wasn't just hurting from karate, and I wasn't having period related issues. There was no blood! However I was wrong, but I didn't know that yet. I rushed to my mom, waking her up and exclaiming that I couldn't pee. What an odd and random statement, yeah? I couldn't pre. She would have told me that maybe I just didn't have to, but considering where I had been hurting for the past day, something had to be done now.

With my father not being home, there was no way to immediately go to the doctors because unfortunately my mother doesn't drive. After a couple of hours though, we managed to be blessed with the help of my grandparents. We made our way into town, arriving at a walk-in doctors office. They wanted me to pee in a cup. I tried, but I remember how ridiculous that sounded because the whole reason I was there was because I couldn't go! Unfortunately, they explained that they couldn't do anything else if I was unable to provide a sample. We decided to go a step further and just go across the way to the emergency room.

While crossing our fingers that it would be an easily resolved issue, we quickly learned it was not. I had my first gynecology exam that day. Remember, I was 12. Upon waiting for the results after that highly awkward experience, they stuck a catheter in me so I could urinate. All I can say about that is that I hope that those reading this never have to experience it. It's a really foreign feeling.

Perhaps two hours went by? I couldn't bother to keep track. It just hurt. Everything hurt and I had a random gynecology exam. I wasn't really into that day. A doctor finally came in for more official results. You see, the gynecologist already gave scary news. He had told me that my hymen was, and I quote, "blowing up like a balloon." It was responsible for me being unable to urinate. That information itself is weird and vague, but the doctor cleared it up pretty quick technically. "She has to have emergency surgery." That simple sentence made my eyes go wide. Emergency surgery? On my vagina?

Unlike most hymens in females, mine didn't have any holes in it. It was completely closed, acting like a wall. All of that pain was from that defect! Having an answer was great, but the hour long car ride to a hospital for children was the most suspenseful ride ever. Emergency surgery.

I've always been terrified of being under anesthetic and having surgery. At 12, my mentality was to constantly wonder what would happen if I didn't wake up. It may sound like a silly fear, but everything has been happening so fast. There were a lot of first times in this day. I remember being wheeled into the room to be prepped. My mom couldn't go with me, and my dad wasn't there. She had called him as soon as we figured out what had to be done to fix this, so he was rushing back. Unfortunately, he didn't make it in time to see me prior. I was alone with a bunch of strangers who I'm supposed to trust. The bed was uncomfortable, and nothing like this had ever happened to me. I had never even heard of this happening. The room was all white, and lights were everywhere. About nine nurses were around me, their identities and personalities all hidden behind their masks. The last thing I remember is being told to count backwards from ten. As I reached number eight, a gloved hand grabbed mine and that was it.

Three menstrual cycles were inside of me. That is why I hurt. My hymen left it nowhere to go, and then decided to expand like it was some birthday balloon. This surgery allowed me to start my period. There was no random red splotch on my undergarments. They cut open the hymen to allow the flow. I honestly thought I was going to die because of how much was coming out after I got back into the hospital room. It's called a hymenctomy, and while I have never heard of it until I experienced it, apparently it is not incredibly rare. I was teased by cousins for this, so how could I tell others what happened? People had asked why I missed so much school, so many karate classes. Despite the handful times I gather the courage to tell people my story, it's always a learning experience for them. That is why I am sharing this here. Maybe you know someone? Maybe you are that someone? Maybe you have a little girl who will have it? I hope and pray not, but the least I can do is provide information of the experience because as much as I felt like the only one, I know I'm not.