Do You Remember Me?

Do you remember me? I'm the girl that looked "cute enough" to send a message to. I'm the girl that you relentlessly complemented. I'm the girl that you felt oddly comfortable with. I'm the girl that you called "babe" after a few hours of knowing each other. I'm the girl that you built up and then destroyed.

Do you remember the first night we talked on the phone? You kept telling me how beautiful I was. You seemed so sweet, you asked about my day, and made nice conversation. You never wanted to hang up so we would fall asleep on each other's screens. You texted everyday and I started feeling more and more comfortable. You were always really good at hiding what went on inside your head.

Do you remember the first time I saw you drunk? You called me at the beginning of the night and told me all the nice things you thought about me. You were happy and giggly and honestly fun to just listen to. You kept drinking and kept opening up but not just about me. Do you remember what you said? You told me you hated your life, you told me all the dark things that rattled around in your head, you said it in a way that made me want to help and you knew I would. You knew I had the type of personality to dump your problems on, and it was exactly what you craved.

Do you remember the calls that would end with your anger? You would get so into your head that you probably didn't even realize you were putting it all on me. You would tell me you were useless and that you wanted to die, you told me how you wanted it done — all the grim details that went on in your head. I would cry. You had me at the point that I cared for you and I hated hearing the things you thought of yourself. When I tried to tell you otherwise, you told me I didn't understand and hung up on me. This sent me into a panic, I didn't know what you would do to yourself. I would try calling back just to make sure you were okay and you liked it. You let it go to voicemail, just so I would panic more. You loved it, you loved that I cared, you loved that I wanted to help, and you loved to make me feel sorry for you.

Do you remember your sexual requests? Do you remember always asking for pictures? You said that you were going to see my naked body eventually. I was too naive to know that it wasn't okay to ask for them. Do you remember telling me all the things you wanted to do to me? You would ask me how experienced I was, just to figure out how dirty you could get. You always made it seem like it was normal to ask someone to touch themselves over the phone. You would ask me to moan just to please you. I was never comfortable but I wanted to make you happy.

Do you remember always breaking up with me? You would tell me that I deserved better and you were "a piece of shit," and that I was perfect and I needed to leave you alone. You knew it would make me cry, you knew I would tell you I wasn't going anywhere. You wanted me to fight for you and tell you all the things I thought were amazing about you because that's what you needed. I stayed up at night worried about what you would do to yourself or others. I cried because you wouldn't let me in. I cried because I was stupid enough to fall into your trap.

Do you remember the first time we saw each other in person? You drove miles to see a friend that was in the same city that I was in. Do you remember constantly texting me telling me to give you my address? Do you remember kissing me? I didn't want to but you had such a sick hold on me. I told you I wanted to talk, I knew that I needed to stand up for myself. Do you remember telling me we could "talk" in your car? Do you remember moving my body like it was a doll so I could be where you wanted me? Do you remember kissing me? Do you remember undressing me? Do you remember biting me so hard that I yelled "Ow" but not stopping? Do you remember leaving bruises all over my chest and breast? Do you remember telling me that you weren't going to do anything? You lied you pulled my underwear to the side and told me you wanted to feel. Do you remember putting your penis inside me?

Do you remember the pain and discomfort? Do you remember the confusion? Do you remember the anger and realization of what was happening? Do you remember feeling violated and lied to? Do you remember the silence when I forced you to stop? Do you remember the shower I took to get you off of me? Do you remember the Plan B I bought with my own money to make sure nothing grew from this? Do you remember the doctor's visit to make sure you didn't infect me with anything you might have lied about not having? Do you remember the months of anger and lies I webbed together to keep you out of trouble? Do you remember the stupid and innocent girl who loved you so blindly?

Well, I'm all grown up now.

I remember.