I’m sorry that I’ve spent the last twelve years hating you. I’m sorry that I would beg to be someone else. I would look in the mirror every morning in my adolescence years tearing you apart, begging for a miracle to occur where my appearance changed completely. I’m sorry that I would grab you and squish you trying to photoshop the fat away in my mind. I was surrounded by beautiful women and girls all the time. I was angry that my body wasn’t as gorgeous as theirs. At the ripe age of eleven I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I hated you even more body. I hated that you couldn’t do your job without the help of a pill. I hated that you weren’t going to survive without a pill. I hated you. I spent hours in the mirror covering every freckle and mole. Trying to erase my identity and who I was. The stretch marks that told the story of how I grew and how I was growing were ugly and I resented them. The pink stripes covering my body were a sign of hatred to me, many hours were spent trying to cover every single one up. I would hide you wearing my father's clothes that swallowed me, not wanting to be seen. I would refuse to shop because of you, begging not to go. The clothes I liked no longer fit, and the fashion industry was still stuck in their size zero mindset. I always thought that because of you I was never going to be loved. Who would want someone so fat? I thought I didn’t deserve love. I always wanted someone else to stare back at me through the mirror, but my biggest fear was what if I would hate them too.
Me again. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for hating you. Now in my twenties, and a movement of loving yourself is happening. People of all shapes and sizes are living freely and appreciating their own unique beauty. There are hundreds of stores now dedicated to plus size fashion, you’re no longer being squeezed into tight clothes that restrict your breathing. My body type isn’t taboo anymore. There are plus size models and actors showing the little girls that there are people like them, that they don’t need to drown themselves in a pile of oversized clothing. I’m no longer spending hours covering you in makeup that I spent hundreds on because I can actually stand to look at you. It’s taken so much time to love what I once hated. I no longer look in the mirror with hate and tear filled eyes, instead love and acceptance replaces it. I’m still grabbing you and squishing you, but it’s gentle and filled with appreciation. I’ve learned to love you and let my confidence fly. I was someone who thought my body defined me and who could love me, but thats not the case at all. Me loving myself defines everything. You can not love someone else without loving yourself first. I’m still surrounded by beautiful girls and women, but I’m one of them now. I’m so sorry for trying to erase what caused my individuality. Loving you has been the hardest Mountain to climb, but now I’m standing on the peak. I only have one body to carry my heart and soul. I no longer tear up, or throw a fit while shopping, and I no longer scream when I think of you. I’m practicing giving you endless love because you’re what’s holding me and carrying me through life.