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"I bet you'd be just like ecstasy," he breathed in between kisses. It was a pick up line I hadn't heard before, and honestly? Between that and his body I was feeling reckless and dizzy. I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks now, hanging out, making out, and bumping Frank Ocean.
But tonight he was bumping his hips against mine. It wasn't long before our shirts were off, enjoying the feeling of each other's skin under our fingertips. I opened my eyes as his weight shifted and saw him reach for a condom in his dresser. A thousand thoughts went through my head in a second.
Hold up, I didn't come over here for this.
Did I come over here for this?
I mean.. I wonder what it'd be like..
I don't even like him that much.
Should I ask him what his middle name is?
Quit acting like a prude old lady, loosen up and have some fun.
So in the three minutes that followed, that's what I did-loosened up and well, attempted to have fun. It turned out my first racing thought was correct. I hadn't come over to his place for that and probably wouldn't again. Making out with him was awesome, but the sex just didn't have that spark, that connection, that I think should be there.
Did he ask me if I wanted to? No.
Did he ask me if I was okay? No.
Now before I go any further, let me explain that I have heard from so many females that these issues need to be pushed during sex. If a three-page checklist doesn't happen before sex, it wasn't consensual. If he doesn't ask you every 30 seconds during the act if you're okay, it wasn't consensual.
So here is my seemingly unpopular opinion from this encounter: Changing my mind during sex does not mean I can claim he raped me.
Let's go over the facts, shall we?
Was I uncomfortable? A little bit.
Did I go over there for "music and chill?" Nope.
Did I voice to him that I didn't think this was a good idea? Also no.
Am I an adult with a working voice box that could have told him no? Absolutely.
Was I drunk? Could've blown a .00 in a breathalyzer.
Did he force himself on me? More like I star fished.
Having an unpleasant sexual experience with someone you thought would rock your socks off is not means to say rape. Not speaking up during sex to tell your partner to stop is not means to say rape. Getting back at someone who emotionally hurt you is not means to say rape. Being ashamed of a sexual partner after others find out you slept together is not means to say rape.
These type of "cry wolf" females are what takes away from women who are truly forced, who are truly drugged, truly traumatized, and truly demoralized.
It's why women get turned away from police who have already washed the evidence off of them because they couldn't stand to be in their own skin. It's why women still get prodded, "Are you sure you weren't asking for it?" It's why when one woman comes forward about a man, giving another survivor the encourage to about the same man, they're both looked at as liars simply trying to ruin a reputation.
And it's not fucking fair.
It's not fair to those victims that wake up from nightmares in a cold sweat. It's not fair to the survivor who has a breakdown in public because someone walked by wearing the same cologne. It's not fair to the strong woman just barely breaking through with her counselor.
And it's most certainly not fair to the man you slander that didn't actually rape you.