Broken Reflections

Poor self-esteem has always been an issue of mine. I don't know where it began, but it's left its mark on me. I am a 24 year old woman with an infant child. I want the world that I raise my child in to be good and wholesome. But today I had to look into the mirror and tell that broken, desperate woman that she was beautiful and worthy of love. What kind of world is that? When did beauty become so unattainable? When did it begin to dictate the value of our lives? How do we reverse the damage and smudge out those dirty words written on our mirrors?

I remember when I was a young girl and my mother would talk about how unattractive she was. She didn't say it outright and she clearly didn't see the damage that she was doing to her own daughter. I was a reproduced image of her and what she told the mirror she was saying directly to my face. And I've only realized this now that I myself have the responsibility of motherhood. I think about my baby and how I already know how beautiful that child is and how much I love him. I want him to see himself the way that I see him.

It frightens me to think that other people out there squint and turn away from the reflection in the mirror as tears run down their face and they attempt to say, in between sobs, that they are beautiful and worthy of love.

It would break my heart if my child believed the fallacies that I believe about myself. So how can we turn around and place the burden of that unattainable standard of beauty upon our children and the children of others? Why are we feeding into this cruel, superficial ideal? Maybe it's human nature. Maybe it's how we determined who was a fit mate. But I think it's morphed into something uglier. It's become a strategic move to prey on society and keep them compliant and bound. And it's worked so well that they have us convinced that we want this for ourselves and that we aren't affected by it negatively.

And it seems to have snowballed to the point where it's become an addiction and a disease. This disease is very tricky to diagnose because we are convincing our minds that it is what we want while we are subconsciously killing our feelings of self-worth one glance in the mirror at a time.

I want to believe that there is hope for the future generations with the rebellious grassroots movements that have always been there in the shadows. I find solace in this. Although from what I have observed in our pattern throughout history, this will never be a movement that takes the world by storm. And so I can only pray for the rest.

I recently read an article about scars and their incorporation into our unique beauty. They interviewed people with surgical scars, burn marks, scars from disease, stretch marks, but the one that stopped me in my tracks was the woman who spoke about her acne scars. I had never really thought about acne scars as just... scars. I had always viewed them as a disgusting disfigurement to be ashamed of, but I realise now that they are just another story of my life written on my skin. If I wear my stretch marks proudly, why should the scars from something else I couldn't have helped make me feel less beautiful as a person?

I've been doing an experiment. I've been returning to my roots. I have stopped pruning myself for the satisfaction of others and let my body heal naturally. I am hoping it brings many more revelations as the time passes. I know that this hurt runs deep because no matter what I've done to perfect myself and no matter what I am told by loved ones and strangers, it doesn't change my opinion of myself. And the mirror shouldn't define me. No matter who I blame, whether it's my mother, the bullies, or society, it doesn't change the fact that in order to restore my confidence in myself I have to make the effort, not them. I have to begin to love myself again. And I have to let go of all their words and opinions. No amount of anger, sadness, or revenge will bring back my feelings of self-worth. I am the only one who holds that power.

A wise soul once told me that there isn't a limited amount of success to be had in the world. Although you may not be the best at something, you bring a uniqueness that only you can bring to the table, and the world deserves to experience that uniqueness. Life is short and you owe it to yourself to shine that light, and enjoy the happiness it brings to you and others.