Brave Face

There are so many things I could say about him. So many bad things. Yet back then, there was only ever good things. His charm could sweep anyone off their feet. His instant replies made me feel wanted after being left feeling alone and unworthy. He'd always check up on me, making me feel secure. He'd tell me I was beautiful without makeup, looked good in every outfit. He was perfect.

Charm became unrecognisable manipulation;

Instant replies turned to distant, blunt, or non-existent replies;

Checking up one me was all about control, not care;

Makeup and outfits were seen as effort for others and disloyalty;

Far from perfection.

Trapped in an endless cycle of never doing anything right. Forever holding my tongue and taking things out on myself rather than expressing my feelings. Distancing myself from family and friends hoping they wouldn't notice a change. Eventually coming to the end of what originally seemed to be the most beautiful relationship and releasing that actually, from the start, it was never meant to last.

Having to spend months gaining back self-esteem and confidence, whilst also getting to terms with being a single mother to an eighteen month old at just twenty years old.

But still I thank him.

I thank him for teaching me to never judge myself by another's standards.

I thank him for teaching me that sometimes its ok to walk away.

I thank him for being everything I didn't need and everything I could never want; so now I know what I do want and need.

I don't wish him well;

But I don't wish him unwell either;

I wish him what he deserves;

Karma can serve him.

But that's not it. That's not the point of this... The point of this is to ask you, would you have done the same? Would you have spent four years being manipulated, two being physically abused? You're thinking to yourself no definitely not, I'm worth more than that.

I thought that too. Until he seeped into my mind like the ocean filling rock pools. Gliding back out with the tide for a little while... But never long enough for the pools to dry up, for me to get a grip on reality. I began to believe he was everything. Believed I was worth nothing without him. Not only did he make me feel that way, but our society allowed me to accept that. Disney princesses always needing saving. Rape victims barely ever receiving justice. Archaic laws allowing wife beating. Domestic violence is ingrained in our society's subconscious. You don't even realise you're accepting it.

The acceptance starts off ever so gently. With the same reasoning everyone else makes; "it'll not happen again," "he was drunk," "I should have just..." And then it hits the ground running like a snowball racing down a hill, next thing you know you're avoiding seeing your family and friends because you don't want them seeing this bruise or that scratch, then you're missing work or important appointments for the same reason. Next you're excusing it, "the kids didn't see," "he's had a stressful day at work," "its not as bad as other victims."

These narratives that we use to accept and even maintain this sort of relationship are wrong! But what is worse is our society perpetuating them, allowing one gender to out rank the other just because of tradition.

"Why don't you just leave him?"—trust me, we would! If we were in our right minds, however, we aren't! Our minds have been captured by charisma. Charisma which soon launches mutiny against every individualistic thought we process.

So I guess my point is,

FΩ€K how people expect you to react in these situations.

FΩ€K the judgements made by outsiders.

FΩ€K the societal norms perpetuating these disgusting crimes.

FΩ€K putting on the brave face.

Scream. Shout. Cry.

Anything to make yourself heard.

Then escape;

Learn to laugh and love again.

Because at the end of the day, you are worth more, whether you feel that right now or not, you are worth so much more and you are not alone.

Society doesn't need another brave face.

Your family and friends don't need your brave face.

They need you, to be who you are; without anyone changing that.

Be true to yourself.