Being Silenced

It was my nineteenth birthday party, I was in college, and having the time of my life. I had a ton of friends there. We were dancing, singing, and drinking the night away. He was also there, the guy I’ve been talking to for about a week. I saw him staring at me the whole time. He had told me before that wasn’t really a dancer so I didn’t mind the staring. I mean, maybe I was trying to give him a show anyways. Dule* was tall, dark, and nothing I’ve ever had before. He was older, smarter, and I loved learning things from him; sometimes he even learned things from me. It was only a week of talking but it was long enough for us to get to know each other and have a bond. As much as we bonded, that didn't stop him that night. Neither did me being so drunk that I barely remember what happened that night.

I have never told anybody my story because I've been too scared, I'm afraid people will laugh it off and say that I was drunk, say that I didn't say no, or say I'm being too dramatic and overthinking it. It was just sex, right? Then why do I feel like this? Why do I feel dirty and used? All I want is somebody to say I'm right to be thinking it was more than just sex, that it wasn't my fault because I was underage drinking. I want to know it's his fault and only his. I want to tell just one person who will be on my side of this.

He took advantage of me; I was drunk and bumped into him. He started kissing me and grabbing me but I felt lifeless, I barely felt awake, unaware of all of my surroundings. I had forgotten where I was. I remember him asking me if I wanted to go to my bedroom but I couldn't speak. I was coherent enough to say "I don't know," which is what I've been telling him for the past week. That's right, the past week I was denying him because I was unsure of what I wanted, so what made this so different for him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing was different. I was unsure that night and the night before and the night before that. I didn't say anything and he took that as a yes, took me to my room, and he had sex with me. I will not say I had sex with him because I didn't. I could not move my body; I didn't even walk to my room. He had to put my arm around him so he could carry me. Tell me this was all my fault.

I no longer blame myself. I no longer think it was my fault for drinking or wearing a revealing outfit. I will no longer think I was in the wrong just because I couldn't form the simple word no. I blame him, it was fault, and he was in the wrong. I am not dirty or used just because someone took advantage of me. Every day I feel proud of myself for being able to acknowledge what happened but everyday I also hope that I'll be able to tell someone my story to their face, but I know this is a start.

I know there are people like me out in the world, feeling the same way, keeping their story a secret for the fear of being judged. I want to let those people know they aren't the only ones. There are people you can talk to, people willing to help you and listen. No one deserves to feel like no one is there for them, or that no one will listen. They will, just believe.