Being Body Positive Is Hard
Loving Yourself Regardless of What Size You Are
Loving my body has been incredibly difficult for me over the years. I’ve suffered with eating disorders. I’ve been too fat and too thin. I’ve wanted to gain weight then I’ve wanted to lose it. I’ve wanted curves In “the right places.” I even considered cosmetic surgery.
I thought my happiness and success could be determined by my size. I was obsessed with how I looked. I’d spend a fortune on makeup and shape wear. I did some extreme diets. I would starve myself for days on end then gorge on junk food. I’d then start making myself sick after eating. I’d take diet pills and other weight loss tablets. I'd survive whole days on water and the occasional cup of tea. I would be obsessed with my image. Spend hours on doing my hair and makeup and picking what to wear. It was too much for anyone to cope with.
I was hospitalised because I was fainting due to exhaustion and malnutrition. I had a mental break down. I went into a deep depression. I stopped caring what I looked like. I stopped eating altogether. I’d sleep the days away. No communication with the outside world. I went weeks without makeup or changing my clothes. It took the efforts of my family and friends to realise I needed an intervention. I got counselling and medical assistance. I chose to make a change, to focus on being healthy and happy and not obsessed with being perfect.
I realised that my happiness and success and who I am as a person is not defined by my dress size. The people who love and support me were by my side whether I was thin or fat. They loved me for who I was inside, not what I looked like on the outside. They would want to spend time with me regardless if I was wearing makeup or not. Because they loved me.
This is what helped me start to love my body; stopping the bad habits, fixing my mental obsession with my weight, seeing food as fuel and not a crutch, getting into healthy eating habits, focusing on the nutritional qualities in food to give my body what it needs to be healthy. I made a shift in my mind that I wanted to be healthy, not skinny. Yes, I lost weight in the process, but that happens when you start to eat right. I took pride in my appearance but was not obsessed about looking a certain way. I accepted myself. I started to like parts of my body. I got affirmations from people who noticed I looked happier and healthier, because I was. I felt less self conscious about my body. I gained confidence in myself. I enjoyed things I’d dread before, like going out for meals with friends and clothes shopping.
I am not obsessed anymore with being a certain size. I don’t weigh myself daily or base my moods on whether the number is higher or lower than yesterday. I look after myself and practice self care. I still see imperfections and things I’d like to change but I have come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect, I am human, I am natural, I am beautiful. I am deserving of happiness and success. I know people love me for who I am regardless of my size. I still have days where I’m self conscious. I have times when I don’t feel as confident. But I know now I’m on the right path to being happy and healthy.
About the Creator
Emily Tarff
Activist , lawyer , feminsit , LGBTQA+ , Pro choice ,Self love ,Body positive
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