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Pain and Peace
I have been raped and I have been treated like the most precious woman in the world.
I have been abandoned by my parents and I have been revered by them.
I have been stuck in a cell and I have traveled far distances to enchanted places.
I have had nightmares of pain and suffering and I have had dreams of soaring over mountains and oceans.
I have been teased for how I look and I have been appreciated for how I look.
I have been overweight and I have been lean and toned.
I have experienced being poor and I have experienced wealth.
I have horrible days and I have miraculously beautiful days
I have despised my siblings and I have felt like the luckiest person in the world for having them in my life.
I have felt the tremendous loss that comes with divorce and I have felt the gratitude for the dissolution of my marriage.
I have felt suicidally depressed and I have felt grounded in faith and gratitude for life.
I have grieved lost friendships that meant the world to me and I have built friendships that mean the world to me.
I have experienced abuse and I have experienced respect.
I have been swept into the ocean by the undertow and I have been one of the best swimmers in my age range.
I have fallen over in yoga and I have been able to do amazing poses (for my level) in yoga.
I have looked old for my age and I have looked young for my age.
I have smoked cigarettes and I have not for a very long time.
I have drank too much during periods in my life and I have not drank at all for periods in my life.
I have worn some things I find hideous now and I have worn some things that are timeless and elegant.
I have lived. I have grown in the suffering AND I have grown in the joy.
Most importantly, I have learned. Here is what I now know.
I am strong. As in, I don’t even realize how strong I am most of the time. When I think I’ve been my weakest, I can later see my incredible strength.
I am independent. As in, I got me... everybody else is here for me to enjoy, love and have fun alongside. It is my job to take care of me and there is no one better suited to do it.
I am eternal. As in, there will be no end after this.
I am love. As in, despite all the terrible things that has happened, I am still full and bursting with love.
I am a real person. As in, there will be good and bad. There will be pain and joy. There is no way around it.
I am imperfect. As in, I’ve fucked up and lived unconsciously at times and living that way hurts both myself and people that I do not want to feel that hurt.
I am here to grow. As in, I am here to learn from life—from the good and the bad. From my imperfection and in my perfection.
I am surprised. I am surprised everyday by something I hadn’t considered, someone who makes me smile and by the many surprises life brings—big and small.
I am good, I am bad, I am beautiful, I am ugly, I am thin, I am fat, I am poor, I am wealthy, I am depressed, I am joyous, I am anxious, I am confident, I am peaceful, I am distressed, I am loving, I am hateful, I am thoughtful, I am unconscious, I am appreciative, I am ungrateful, I am real, I am fake, I am deep, I am shallow, I am all of it. Every single bit of it. And you know what? I am life.
Happy 47th Birthday to me.
What a ride it has been thus far.