Ann Jackson
Stories (1/0)
The Events Following My Rape
The numbness was snatched away when the doctor inserted this plastic instrument inside of me. I tried not to yell, attempted not to complain at the first sign of pain but all of a sudden I felt like a monster was inside of me and it just kept getting deeper and deeper inside of me. All of a sudden all I felt was pain all I saw was red. All of a sudden I felt like he was inside of me again. I felt like I was being raped all over again. All around me, a bunch of strangers keep telling me to hush that it’ll be okay. But thats a lie, I know it will not be ok. In this exact moment I wanted my birth giver, the only person who could help soothe my soul but somewhere after the red wore off I remembered she’s dead. I called my aunt hoping she can provide some kind of solace for my already crippled psyche, along with my body. None is provided, kinda hard to reach out when my hands seem to be permanently glued to my sides. I don’t know how I cope. I just do, I push everything down until I am alone. Until it all comes vomiting back up, I wanna scream. I wish I didn’t tell the people I care about the most because I feel like they don’t look at me the same anymore b/c they don’t. I don’t want to silently suffer but I know no other way. Every time before this, my feelings were disregarded not by the people who care about me the most but by the people who were supposed to care about me the most but didn’t. Or couldn’t or whatever excuse we’re making for them today. I cried in the shower today because I tried to talk to God, and he didn’t talk back. Or maybe I couldn’t hear him over all the sobbing, I turned the lights off for my shower today b/c it seemed easier. Today I saw red and swallowed shattered brokenness. Today I took 8 different pills to prevent pain, pregnancy, and infection. Today loving the world was as hard as loving myself. And I don’t feel strong enough for either.
By Ann Jackson7 years ago in Viva