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It's hard to even put into words what I feel about you. Every day for months the hatred I have felt has rooted deeper into my heart. It's even harder to fathom a day where I haven't pictured your face or even the way you smell. You haunt me. An unwanted essence that festers inside my chest. Most days I feel like I'm trapped. I feel as though the doors to my dungeon are slowly closing but I'm too weak to stand up and make my way out. It's filthy down here. I'm covered in dirt in my mind. I'm dirty. I can feel the dirt seep into my veins corrupting me more and more. Day by day the dirt sinks deeper and I decay. Only I'm alive. I'm alive and I'm dead and I hate you.
Pieces of me are still left at the scene, traces of who I used to be still lingers on your sheets. No matter how many times you wash them I hope you still feel me there. I hope your guilt is breaking you. I hope that it sits between your shoulder blades slowly putting pressure on your weak spine. I've hoped that one day you'd suffer the way that I have. I also hope that one day you find peace and repent for all the sins you have committed. I don't think I was the first girl. I don't know if I will be the last. I can only hope that you find it in yourself to realize the amount of destruction you've brought to my life. I hope that that pushes you to never do this again.
For months my shaking arms have been outstretched to anyone who would listen, and when they get close those unsteady arms sink to my sides. I can't let anyone in. I barely want to let myself in. As much as I try not to I still feel and it hurts. I've prayed for you several times throughout this tedious journey called recovery. There have been times where I have broken down wishing that someone would rape and kill you. Then I collect myself and pray for us both. I know you never will.
The day that you raped me my soul broke. I became a monster to myself. The second you finished with me I was new. A far cry from the brilliant girl I once was. Every crease in my skin throbbed. I felt dirty. I felt disgusting, and alone, and so, so dirty. Every second I have lived since then I keep becoming more and more putrid. I make myself sick just looking at who I have become. That's why it's time for the change. I have to be better. So many people have told me not to let you win and they have been right. I need to make a change to free my soul like a thousand doves ripping through the sky.
I want you to know that you can't have me anymore. I may have bad days. I may have horrendous days. But I know for a fact I have to will myself into happiness. You can't have my freedom anymore. One day the shame, the fear, and the pain will be gone. One day your name won't send chills down my spine. One day I will be okay.
I'm going to live my life knowing that you still walk these streets. However, one day I won't be afraid of you anymore. You don't deserve an ounce of my emotion. I deserve to be happy, I deserve the best.
So, while you walk the world for as long as you've been given to stay; just know that I'm fine...and I'll continue to pray.