About Sexually Abused Friends and Family Members

It is amazing the progress that we have made in shedding light on the issues of sexual harassment, assault, and abuse. But even with all of these people coming forward, stories being shared, and people being held accountable for their actions, it is only part of a survivor's experience. This article will hopefully give you some insight as to how you can help a friend or family member through their experience.

Before we delve into anything, it is important that you have the right knowledge. Enlightenment is key to understanding perspective and connecting with people. And disclosing an assault is very difficult, so it is paramount that you are as supportive and free of judgment as possible.

What they would like you to know:

1. Sometimes they just want to talk about it.

They don’t always need to be consoled, and you shouldn’t feel as though you have to either. Clichés, especially, come across as pitiful. Sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do for them.

2. Healing happens in stages.

People will be at different stages in their healing process than others. Every experience is different, and every person is different. They will also have different ways of coping.

Many survivors are judged if they seem “too damaged” or “not damaged enough.” They are slut-shamed or labeled a nun. It seems insane, but it does happen.

Some survivors have sexual triggers and some do not. Trauma exists on a spectrum of toleration and depends on the person and their experience.

Some survivors develop a negative relationship with sex. I went through a long period of prudishness where I pushed everything relating to sex under the notion that it was immoral because I believed that all of it was inappropriate.

Some survivors work to heal their relationship with sex and want to create good sexual experiences.

3. Their story is not a "Law and Order: SVU" episode.

Sexual offenders range from complete strangers to friends or family that the survivor may know very well and often times care about. Try not to paint a picture of their perpetrator for yourself or for them, and most definitely do not visibly/verbally push your judgments or hate onto their perpetrator unless they tell you so.

Sometimes survivors don’t view themselves as victims. Depending on the experience, some people believe that they had some control over the situation, or that they weren’t taken advantage of or forced. They sometimes compare their experience to other people’s stories and feel that their experience wasn’t abusive or traumatic enough to consider themselves victims. It can be sad to hear them blame themselves for what happened to them, but it is important that you don’t try to force them to see the way you see their experience.

4. Some people don’t like the label “victim” or “survivor”.

Some people think “victim” implies weakness and that “survivor” doesn’t represent how they feel about themselves. It’s up to them to decide how they view themselves, and it’s your job to see them the way they want you to.

5. Sympathy, Empathy, Compassion, or Nothing

If you decide to say something, please make it authentic. Speak from the heart, and if you can’t think of anything to say, don’t say anything. Clichéd responses are insanely easy to pick up on, no matter how much you try to “make it your own.”

The best response I got from a friend was, “I’m sorry this happened to you. We don’t ever have to talk about it, but I’m here if you need me.”

6. Don't treat them any differently.

Don’t treat them as scarred or fragile. They want, more than anything, for things to stay normal. They don’t want to be reminded of their experience by your awkward behavior, and they don’t want you to see them as “the one who was sexually abused.” Be considerate, but you don’t have to change around them.

7. Their experience will have shaped them, but it does not define them.

Hopefully, this will give you some understanding of what sexual assault and abuse survivors are going through, what they would like from those who will listen, and how you can best connect with them.