Abortion at 18

It was a normal day when I realised that something wasn’t quite right, I didn’t feel well and hadn’t started my period, what was wrong with me. I didn’t know at that moment. So I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. It came back positive and four to five weeks pregnant. I was in shock, I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t have a child at my age because I was financially unstable and could not afford it. So what were my options? An abortion. That was the only way I would not have this baby. After I and my boyfriend found out, we drove to his mum's house with his sister there as well, she’s a midwife. She gave me all the options I could go for. I decided on having an abortion. I felt wrong inside, I knew it was selfish and unfair, but I didn’t want to put my baby at risk or for it not to have the best upbringing because of money issues.

So we booked a hospital appointment to have an internal ultrasound, and discuss my options. I straight away said I wanted an abortion, but I didn’t know which root to take. Anyway, I lay on the bed with my legs on these holder things, and the screen next to me, she got the long stick probe, and covered it in jelly, almost like lube, and well, you can guess what happened next. After she had completed the internal ultrasound she asked me if I wanted to see the scan, I didn’t know, I was scared I was going to want to keep it, but I decided to look at the scan anyway, all it was, was a black sort of sack, as it was so early on. But it still tore me apart inside seeing the sack and seeing that I’ve created something that I’m now going to practically kill. So at first, I was adamant and sure on taking the abortion pill, as I didn’t want to have surgery, but as she discussed the symptoms and what would happen with both, I opted for the surgery. It was the most horrendous thing I’d ever been through.

Anyway, we walked out of the clinic, got in the car and drove back home. I just felt guilt, all the time, knowing I could save this child and give it a life. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t for though with it. So about a week later, we are on our way to Enfield, the abortion clinic. It was an anxious drive, I felt sick to my stomach, I was petrified. After we arrived we go into the clinic, but no one is there. Where is everyone? Am I getting this abortion? What is going on? Well after 20 minutes or so the shutters opened. That’s when the sudden rush of panic came to me, I knew I was having an abortion, and it’s going to happen today. We had an anxious wait in the waiting room, just waiting to hear my name to go into the surgery room. But whilst we were waiting I got called for just a consultation and to have a finger prick blood test. And then there was the anxious wait.

I was actually the first one to go in and have it done. I was shaking all over, I didn’t know what to expect and I just wanted it to be over with. But I knew that to get it over with I will have to go into that surgery room and go through with it. What seemed like an hour wait was only 10 minutes. And before I knew it I was getting myself undressed and putting a gown on, I started panicking and getting very worried and shaky. But I tried just thinking about when it’s all over and seeing my boyfriend. So it was time. It was time to have the surgery. They called me in and asked me to perch on the edge of the bed with my legs up in these holders. And then that’s when I heard the suction. I was breathing so fast, shaking all over, and just panicking. Continuous panicking. Then the sedation came, when I saw the needle, I kind of calmed down thinking, okay, this is going to make me less anxious and less panicky. But it didn’t. It didn’t work at all.

I was told I won’t remember any of the surgery. I still remember it to this day. I was told I wouldn’t be worried about the pain as I will be out of it. I felt everything. And all I can say is that it wasn’t the most horrendous pain you could ever imagine. It was like period pains but 10 times worse, I was fidgeting because I couldn’t cope with it. I was crying in agony and it even made me physically sick from the pain. I didn’t actually really fell the suction going in as they inject your cervix, which was very uncomfortable. But I felt everything else, the pain, the pressure. I went lightheaded, dizzy and it was just, just horrifying. About five minutes went by, and it was done. That was it!

I was so relieved that I’d gone through with it. Then it was done the internal ultrasound to double check there’s nothing left. And there wasn’t. I just had a wave of guilt, my poor baby, was, well, no longer a baby. But I knew I had to live with it, I knew there was no going back. So after the surgery, they made me stand up and walked me to the recovery room, not even a wheelchair. I could barely walk. I lay down in the bed, with the nurse doing a check-up of my blood pressure, heart rate, etc. All I knew is I wanted to just get out of here and see my boyfriend. But it was a good 10 minutes in the recovery room, followed by them saying I have to wait in this waiting room sitting on a chair. I just wanted to go. I was almost in tears as all I wanted to do is get reassurance from my boyfriend. And then the time came!

I was able to go finally! It wasn’t such a nice feeling seeing my boyfriend again, his name is Jonny, by the way, anyway, we had a cuddle and I instantly felt better. He told me that it was the best thing to do and all it would do bringing a child into the world would give it a worse life because of the upbringing it would have with no money. I felt better about it all. So we walk to Jonny’s car, and at this point I was weak, and I didn’t want to walk, all I could think about was sitting down and having a nap, which I finally did. So we got home and I just went straight up to my bedroom and laid down with Jonny, I just wanted to sleep, I suppose it was the sedation making me drowsy, which I didn’t quite understand because I had the impression that it hadn’t worked as I felt everything and still remember everything.

Oh well, I knew I had to just get on with it. So that was it! I’d done it, if actually gone through with it, it was all over. But then the symptoms came after that, bleeding all the time, feeling sick. It wasn’t nice, wasn’t nice at all. But I gave it a few days and it was pretty much all gone, and the bleeding after that was because of my implant, which by the way I got fitted in my arm when I had the surgery, as I did not want anything like this to ever happen to me again. So fast forward to a few months later, and everything is back to normal again, my hormones, my boobs not being sore, and everything just felt good, I guess I still felt guilty but I knew I can’t feel guilty forever.

It was for the best. I still get days where I look back at what I went through, and what I would be like now if I’d kept the baby, but to be honest, I’m happy that I decided to have the abortion, and I know that sounds selfish, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I have one piece of advice for you, get contraception, it is so great knowing that this won’t happen to me again, hopefully. The implant is free to get from the NHS, and barely hurts, is with you for three years, and you don’t have to worry about taking pills and It has over 99 percent effectiveness, so you can be rest assured this most likely won’t happen to you. If any of you are going through the same thing, please don’t hesitate to ask for advice. Thank you for reading my story. Now time to relax and get on with my life.