A Difficult Day

The man that took everything from me called today. I had moved on. When I say "moved on," I mean that I stopped having the haunting nightmares that made me wake up screaming. I stopped looking over my shoulder to see if he is there, following me. I mean that instead of thinking about it a million times a day and all the things I should have done differently, I only think of it once or twice.

Today I realized how easily progress can be destroyed. I thought I had scrubbed the smell of him off of me, but now I realize that it is stuck there forever. The scent is embedded into my flesh, my clothes, my nose, the blankets, my sheets, and it makes me sick. The twisted look on his face is glued permanently to the inside of my eyelids. I will never be clean.

My innocence was returning to me after two years of coaxing it to believe me that everything would be okay and that it could come back. Now, I'm worried that it's gone for good.

It's hard to get on with your future when your past keeps getting in the way. The worst part is that you can't run away from your past. It doesn't matter where you go, or how many times you try to start over, it will always be there. Even when you think that you've finally managed to escape, it will pop up at the least convenient of times.

Today when the phone rang I didn't recognize the number, but people call me all the time because of my work. I answered and froze when I heard him say his name. I hung up faster than I thought was possible. The call was followed by messages and Snapchats and I felt my world collapse around me. The walls that I had built up to protect myself shattered. It shattered the same way ice does over a thin puddle when you step on it; the ice won't break completely at first, you have to keep stomping on it in order to break it all.

Blocking numbers and usernames again that belonged to the person that I had blocked two years ago left me wondering how many times had he tried this before? I wondered why he was still trying. Was it to torment, or to seek forgiveness? I didn't like either option. I can not ever forgive what he had done. I can not ever forget. I learned this all today.

When you go to therapy to recover from the kind of event I survived, they tell you it'll get better. They told me to bury it in the back of my mind so that I wouldn't remember. If I just put it five feet under, it wouldn't bother me anymore. But instead of it not bothering me, it turned my mind rotten and into a palace lacking trust and love.

The ones I who I thought were supposed to protect me only blamed me. They blamed me the same way you blame a person for being attacked by a shark when they go swimming. "Should have been more careful," or "Shouldn't have swum where there were sharks." But being a girl, being a woman, being a female, means that I live with sharks. It's just that I'm always praying that they won't bite me. I got bit.

Today when I told my boyfriend who had tried to contact me all I got was a, "You should have answered. Maybe it would have helped." I don't know what I was expecting. I mean, I know that he was trying his best. After all, how could he understand? How could he know what it was like for your first time to not be your choice? How could he understand what it felt like to be weak and not able defend yourself when he has always been strong? I guess I was hoping for comfort but was instead greeted by the words of rationality. He could not empathize so, he tried to be reasonable.

Now, today will be the day that I try to start fixing myself again. I have to rebuild everything that was broken all because of one man who decided to call. I thought I had escaped my past but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Why am I writing about this? A lot of people will tell me I should have kept today to myself. That it makes others feel uncomfortable so I should be silent. Silence isn't going to make anything better. People not knowing that these kinds of events happen every day will not help the problem, it will enable it. Strong women who share their experiences will help. People who have been through my situation that stick up and support one another will bring a solution. Just because today was difficult to talk about and to listen to it does not mean that I will be quiet about it.