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If only our friends and family knew what we did in the privacy of our own home and behind closed doors. There are times when I do something that is so strange, even though I am completely alone, I still blush with embarrassment at the thought of getting caught. However, even though I often think, "I wonder if other chicks do this," I know with certainty I am not alone. Everybody is weird in their own right and all people have bizarre habits, most that will never be admitted. Perhaps this article will make you feel better, as in you are not alone in your peculiar ways, or perhaps it will have you cringing in guilt and shame. Either way, you are not alone.
Farting, Squeezing, Singing, and Popping
- Use a mirror to check out what's really going on downstairs. Since women unfortunately lack the luxury of picking up their twig and berries to check out the scenery, most women out of curiosity or worry will at one point in their life lay on their back, assume eagle position, and use a handheld mirror to see what she looks like. I know. I too thought she would be cuter.
- Fart so loud you embarrass yourself. Ladies, you can try to deny this all you want but we all know the truth, chicks fart! I can almost guarantee every woman (besides the entire Honey Boo Boo cast) has "passed wind" so loudly that even when completely alone, they cover their face in humiliation. Why is farting so sexist? Seriously though, when a man farts he is proud, but when a woman does it she wants to die, even when completely alone.
- Make pretend phone calls to avoid people. At first I thought I invented this — the whole "making an imaginary phone call" to avoid someone, scare off a potential kidnapper, or not to look like a total loser. However, after confessing to a few girlfriends, I soon realized most women are guilty of a fake cell convo with a make believe friend every now and again. Sure, this imaginary game probably lessens with age, but I am still going strong with my make believe phone calls anytime I see someone I really don't want to talk to.
- Imagine a run in with their man’s ex-girlfriend. From what you would be wearing to what you would say, every girl envisions the meet and greet with their partner's ex. I've even thrown in a make believe bitch slap for the extra pretty ones.
- Blame a fart on someone else. This one had me laughing so hard because while I will never admit to this, I can only imagine how many have done this. Luckily, as mothers we have our beautiful children and their uncontrollable asses to blame. We also do the majority of the cooking so it is super easy to claim that smell everyone is talking about is coming from the cauliflower or egg salad you made that afternoon. Ha ha ha, I'm still laughing!
- Mentally dress our dream body. I am pretty sure most men don't do this, but hey I could be wrong. What I do know is women love to online, window, and imaginary shop for the body they wish they had. In my head, I know exactly what I would wear, from bras and swimsuits to crop tops and evening gowns, if I had Brittany Spears's body circa 2001. Let's not forget the fantasy bank account, because what's a fake wardrobe without some major imaginary cheddar?
- Pretend sing at our concert/music video. Whether you’re driving or getting dressed in your bedroom, we all close our eyes and lip sing the shit out of a song while envisioning a crowd of screaming fans. I've taken this so far I have actually given myself the chills from being so imaginarily awesome!
- Squeeze and pop. This literally makes me want to barf just thinking about it, but we are all responsible for squeezing a black head, white head, or ingrown hair. What’s more disturbing is how many people enjoy it.
More Farting, Periods, Eating, and Hygiene
9. Check what's in our tissues. Girl, boy, it doesn’t matter. We have all blown our noses and checked out the goods after. Green? Clear? Red? The color of your snot can determine a lot. Hey, that rhymes!
10. Fantasy flirt with our celebrity crush. It doesn't matter if you're single, married, or pregnant, women love to fantasize an unexpected run-in with their celebrity crush. We practice the eye-catch, the walk over, the smile, and even the laid back dialogue where we sound cool as hell and not like some crazed idiot. Whatever our make believe meet-and-greet involves, it's usually overly dramatic, super cheesy, and something you would never do in real life.
11. Take care of business. No, I don't mean actual business or pooping business. I mean the business of pleasure, the fun business. It's not like this is a secret and of course you should never be ashamed of taking part in what is completely natural, it's just how each person takes care of business differently that makes it embarrassingly-mysterious. Who uses what, who thinks of who, and who needs a little filmography to get the job done. While girlfriends gossip about the topic, very rarely are all details disclosed. Your best friend who you swear you know EVERYTHING about may run home on her lunch break, throw on some Magic Mike and whip out a 9-inch hot pink vibrator named Usher and you would and will never have a clue. And this is one personal habit that should stay behind closed doors.
12. Fake wash our hands. This is so strange but surprisingly common. Sometimes we just don’t want to wash our hands after we use the bathroom, yet we still want outsiders to believe we did. So what do we do? We turn the water on and fake a hand wash or splash a little water and skip the soap, which is just as bad as not washing at all. Too time consuming or not looking to get wet and dry, one may never know.
13. Skip showers for days. Sometimes, a girl just does not want to shower! Unlike men, who can shower and get dressed in ten minutes total, thanks to nothing to shave and little to no hair on their head, a woman's shower is much longer. Add on another 30 just to dry off, lotion up, and apply at least five products and you have yourself an easy total of 45-minutes. I don't know about you, but 45-minutes alone is comparable to a week vacation when you have young children and sometimes, just sometimes, I would rather spend those 45-minutes creeping around on social media or my latest DVR than cleaning my own ass. Just sayin'. That's why they invented dry shampoo and wipes!
14. Eat an entire package of cookies or bag of chips in one sitting. I don't care if you are the healthiest bean in the pod. Sometimes a woman just needs to wear ugly ass pajamas, sit on her couch, and eat a gross amount of unhealthy food. It's not even the food choice that makes this embarrassing, although I wouldn't want the world to know I still eat Zebra Cakes and Yodels. It's the epic amount consumed that really turns this orgasmic occasion into a sight to never be seen.
15. Create our own period protection when we need something on the fly. Here is another predicament I've always wondered about. Has any other woman had to pull a Playtex-MacGyver in a public restroom because she was unprepared for the monthly visit of her most hated "friend"? This started way back when and while it is now a rare occasion, it unfortunately can still happen. This is when a rough paper towel, wad of thin ass public-restroom toilet paper, or whatever is in reach has to be made into a maxi-pad. You know it won't hold up longer than a few minutes, but to save yourself and your jeans from one of the most embarrassing moments of your life, you have no choice but to walk around with paper-stuffed panties until you can find a more reliable option.