10 Things Every Woman Thinks About Their VaJJ

A vagina is so many things. Mysterious. Magical. Beautiful. Like an enchanting unicorn. However, it's also a giant pain in the ass or more like a pain next to your ass. Unlike man parts which can be lifted, flipped, and flopped, a woman's "secret garden" requires so much more love, attention, and upkeep. Located and designed to make it near impossible to see it yourself, it is hands down the most confusing and complicated part of the human body.

So my ladies, this one is for you and your vagina. I know you too must look down at your crotch on occasion and think, "WTF is going on down there" and I am here to assure you, you are NOT alone and neither is your weirdo VaJJ!

Here are 10 things every woman questions about her vagina!

I really freaking hate the word VAGINA!

Why in the good Lord's name did they have to name it a "Vagina"? Not like penis is any better, but vagina is so... in your face. I would take many other body part names like knee, elbow, even ankle. Like, "Oh, I need to go get my knee waxed." Doesn't that sound better? But then our knee would be called a vagina and you would have to say thinks like, "I scraped my vagina" and "I love jeans with vagina rips in them." Okay, I am getting way off topic. I just hate the word vagina. The end.

What does that part even do?

From the day I realized I had a vagina I never quite knew what every part did or was there for. I mean, I get the main parts but I guarantee any woman who has took the time to get a real up close and personal look has also asked, "what is that part called and what purpose does it serve?"

Why are you so difficult to look at?

I can see my fat ass perfectly and my giant boobs are all up in my face, but my poor little vagina is so well-hidden that I have barely gotten the chance to know what she looks like. Shit, I could have the cutest freckle somewhere down there and the only way I would ever know is if a man or gynecologist told me. If I really want to see all her curves, marks, and shape, I need to lay down, spread eagle, in front of a mirror and strain my neck and ab muscles and even then the view isn't perfect.

Why are you like a leaky faucet?

Whether it's pee, your period, or pleasure, vaginas are like a broken faucet that constantly leaks. It only gets worse with age too. After having a baby lay on your bladder for nine months and then possibly pushing one out, things are never the same for your VaJJ. Just with a small sneeze or hiccup, the action is enough to have you peeing your pants. Then there are those days where it's not any of those fluids but some random drip-drop that has you cursing yourself for not wearing a pantyliner, maybe because I haven't worn a pantyliner since I was 13-years-old. Great, now I am just one step closer to an adult diaper.

How do I even take care of you properly?

Am I doing this right? I still get confused with the whole wipe front to back or back to front. I have a potty-trained 3-year-old daughter who still can't figure it out and I think to myself, I have one and I can't even teach her right. Also, should I be using those special soaps I see advertised everywhere? You know, the soaps made just for VAGINAS (ugh that word). What about wipes, sprays, and powders? Men just get to whip it out, shake it off, tuck it back in, and wash with Dial soap and everything's all good. However, women have all kinds of options to keep it clean, healthy, and smelling laundry fresh. WTF!

Taking care of your hair is a pain in my ass... and vagina!

Unless you go for the all-natural vaj fro, taking care of your pubic hair is a tedious and painful job. Most shave, which is easy and convenient but if not done carefully can leave you cut and razor burned. Nothing says "hot summer babe" than a bikini bottom surrounded by red bumps and ingrown hairs. EEWH! Then there is the laser option, but I know nothing about that and probably never will. Lastly, you can wax that thing to be as soft as a baby's bottom. However, if you have never had your vagina waxed than you my friend have never experienced real pain. My first experience looked like this. One leg high in the air resting on the waxer's shoulder. My other leg had to be pinned down by the waxer to stop its uncontrollable shaking. Top it off with a towel in my mouth to hold back the screams. At one point I seriously considered leaving with a half waxed cooch but for the love of my future husband and honeymoon I went through with it. I then spent the rest of the day with a forest fire in my pants and a bulge from the several ice packs I stuffed down my panties. Fucking glorious!

What does a pretty vagina look like? Is mine pretty?

Well, between never getting a good look at it, hardly ever landscaping it right, and not being a lesbian, how the hell am I supposed to know if my vagina is pretty? Do guys know a pretty vagina when they see one? I am sure they can spot an ugly one but I assume it's ugly due to multiple births, many years of spin class, or from being used by too many other dudes. I am sure I can Google pretty vaginas and compare, but I don't want to do that. I want to live in my pretty vagina bubble and believe that my chacha is the prettiest chacha of all the chachas in the land!

Isn't it crazy that another person can stick their body part in you and it can make a BABY!

Talk about fucking trippy, dude! I have a hole in my body that was made to stick things in there and not just any thing, but another human's organ. Hello, does anyone else find that weird and kind of gross? Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but the thought of someone else's body part going into my body just seems unhealthy. Would you let someone shove their hand in your mouth? Or toe in your ear? Well some of you would but that's beside the point. Why is it always the woman with the more difficult job? Not only do we have to push something out of there but we need to stick something in there first. Crazzzzzyy

What are you going to look like when I'm 80?

Oh Jesus, out of all the questions a woman can ponder regarding her vajeen, what it will look like when she is old seems to be number one on the list. Will it turn gray? Will it lose hair? Will it sag like all other parts of the body? Is there a possibility that I may have a balding, gray, saggy vagina when I am 80? Oh my God, I just cried and gagged a little. Truth is, yes, your pubic hair will turn gray along with the hair on your head. As for everything else, I'm too scared to find out.

Can you break a vagina?

There have been times, and I won't get too detailed here since I consider myself a private person (HAHAHA), where I thought my vagina was broke. One incident was a nasty fall off of a bicycle where I literally saw stars and not the good kind. Another instance was while doing the deed and I seriously thought my "little lady" had been ripped in half. Well after some intense medical research, AKA 30-seconds on Google, it turns out you can bruise, burn, cut, and tear your vagina but you can't quite break it for good. Hey, at least there's that!