When in Disgrace with Fortune and Men's Eyes

The title of this piece is the first line of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 29, which is analysed in detail here. The poem itself doesn’t have much to do with this topic, but taking the first eight lines in isolation, it sounds a lot like how it feels to be a woman in a male-dominated workplace:

When in disgrace with Fortune and men’s eyes,I all alone beweep my outcast state,And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,And look upon myself and curse my fate,wishing me like to one more rich in hope,Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,With what I most enjoy contented least;

It can feel like the career path that you’ve chosen just hasn’t led where you expected it to, and you are viewed with contempt by male employees and excluded from the boys club. You try to complain, but it falls on deaf ears. You wish that you were perceived in the same way that a man would be, because in your female form you will never achieve the successes or job satisfaction that you had aspired to.

I have often felt that I was not trusted or taken seriously by male managers and peers. I was employed in a very niche engineering sector, with a sex ratio even worse than the average for engineering generally (which is a minuscule 9% in the UK). I have worked at large companies where I was the only female engineer. It’s a death by a thousand cuts though, as each of the individual slights by themselves aren’t evidence of an inherently sexist corporate structure. And if you do complain about each and every one of them, it’s made very clear that you are the problem.

But recently, some of the attitudes that drive this toxic culture have come to light in the media. I’ve always been aware of the ideas these powerful men have about women, but some brave people have spoken out publicly and those behind it can no longer hide behind excuses or the knowledge that women will be blamed for their nasty behaviour.

This time, it has manifested itself in the form of accusations of sexual harassment. And it’s not been one or two isolated cases. It’s hundreds and thousands of voices, all corroborating each other, and many only speaking out after it has become safe to do so. These allegations had been suppressed for years.

I had also been aware, during my time as a female employee trying to infiltrate the ranks, that there was a widespread perception that every woman in the office was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

So we’re in a situation where there are an awful lot of men who have sexually harassed other employees, and also a lot of men that hold fears of being accused of sexual harassment. A-ha! It’s an open-and-shut-case, right? Obviously these men are so fearful of working with women due to their inability to keep their thoughts and their hands to themselves. Well, actually, not really.

Very often, men who had never done anything that could be construed as sexual harassment (sexism, yes; harassment, no) would be the ones parroting these ideas. There would be things that would only be said if women were out of earshot, men would be warned about being alone with female employees, and men would openly justify situations in which they had second-guessed a woman on the basis that it’s too risky to trust them.

I have to add that most of these men either had, or aspired to have, a traditional family in which their wife stays at home with the children. This was seen as a sign of maturity within the industry, which tended to coincide with promotions and opportunities (if you were male). It very much felt like the companies wished to support and encourage men to become breadwinners and provide for their dependents. So where do female employees fit into that paradigm? Predictably, research has shown that men who hold patriarchal beliefs like these have less respect for women in the workplace. I was once told, by a company owner, that my line manager was too afraid to give me honest and constructive feedback in case it upset me. He felt this way because I am “delicate-looking” and “remind him of his wife.” I think you can guess how well this professional relationship went.

Another common toxic behaviour I witnessed was the continual reaffirmation of masculinity through banter, especially that which promoted heteronormativity and homophobia. I’m sure these chaps have many intelligent things to say, but they weren’t revealing them in the office. Instead we were treated to tales of how one engineer got “nervous” having to attend a site near the Gay Village, and another dude losing his shit because a building’s plans showed a space for a gender-inclusive toilet.

This isn’t sounding like a particularly nice environment in which to work, and yet it gets worse (honestly I could write several volumes on all the sexist crap I’ve witnessed during my time in the industry). The over-cautiousness around women colleagues has a measurable and detrimental effect on their career development. It limits the opportunities for women to gain allies higher up the food chain, because those with the power are so paranoid about false allegations. But it’s more than that — this unfounded and harmful belief is just one more attack on women’s character that breeds distrust. People promote and respect those who are “more like them,” and if there’s also an ingrained prejudice against a group that’s different, this is compounded further. It’s never just one thing — we need to tackle all of these career-stunting prejudices alongside each other.

These beliefs are not just harmful for women, but men also. Recently I’ve been thinking about the effects on men of MRA rhetoric, and I’ve noticed similarities with the type of ideas and language used by former colleagues. So much of it is devoted to protecting themselves from sneaky women, and yet actual recorded incidences of these succubi stealing men’s hearts, souls, and wallets are vanishingly rare.

I’ve seen men distance themselves from potential collaborations, friendships, and relationships due to ingrained beliefs and warnings from other men. And not just in a professional sense. These warped values carry across into one’s personal life as well. And I worry about all the men who have been fooled by these erroneous cultural messages. How can they have meaningful relationships and interactions with any women, let alone those that they might wish to create that traditional family with? I made that sound like a rhetorical question, but there is an answer that’s not “they can’t.” They may not have meaningful relationships and interactions with women, but they will forge controlling and abusive relationships. They’ll have their picket-fences and big paycheck, but they’ll miss out on so much else. They’ll be feared but not respected, complied with but not loved, accompanied but so alone.

I’d like to end by returning to the media reports that have brought all this out into the open. Firstly, I, and many other women, are seriously pissed off that we told people again and again and again, that sexism is rife and undermines everything we try to achieve — but we were ignored and told we were being too sensitive. But now that men are getting on board with this and calling out misogyny, suddenly it’s real! Well done, chaps, you’ve discovered sexism! Where would us ladies be without you, eh? [Answer: the boardroom.]

Secondly, we must not become complacent. Some powerful men have been outed as disgusting misogynists and abusers, but there are many more still in hiding. The systems that have protected them still exist and there isn’t room in a full year of tabloid newspapers to out all of them. We must challenge our residual doubts about women’s abilities, trustworthiness and intentions. It’s going to be tough: it’s far easier to call out blatant misogyny than it is to admit we might hold sexist beliefs, but it must happen. The attitudes make the culture, and currently the culture is rotten all the way through.

Thirdly, we need to take active steps to change that culture. It’s not acceptable to sexually assault or harass anyone, or to treat 50% of the population less favourably based on stereotypes from the 1970s. If we see it or hear it, we must report it. And we must listen. It takes courage to speak up from a position of weakness, and the track record for employees who’ve challenged these norms is not great. And if we could stop being weird about meetings with the opposite sex, that would be a big help.

Regarding the idea that women in the office are a ticking time-bomb, there’s still a lot to unpack. I was once managed by a man who said that when he speaks with women in the office, he always keeps his hands above the table. What do you even say to that? And how do you even say anything at all, when that man has power over your career progression? We need to stamp out this idea that every man is at risk of some false allegation at any time. This idea was started by powerful men covering their tracks — men we look up to, being accused of terrible crimes by women they claim are making it up for publicity or money. But now that more and more of these powerful men are being found guilty, we need to reassess this notion. Maybe those sneaky women weren’t so sneaky after all… maybe they were telling the truth! And maybe women in your workplace just want to get on with their jobs without wading through a torrent of sexist bullshit.