Wearing the Pants

Who wears the pants in your relationship? It's one of those questions that people always tend to ask couples and it's one of those things that has always gotten to me.

I understand where the idea behind the question comes from. It is naturally referring to a time when women were not allowed to actually wear pants, and therefore the person who wore the pants had the power. In this case, the financial power of the household as men were actually allowed to be in the workforce.

We've come a long way, at least in Western societies, from the times when women were restricted to just skirts and dresses. Now both genders can wear pants, but if both people can wear pants, who has the power?

I think that is why a lot of people ask this question. The assumption seems to be that if the man wears the proverbial pants in the relationship then that is a bad thing. This is likely due to the fact that it would reflect a lack of progress, potentially indicate a controlling relationship, and just seem unfeminist.

However, if the woman wears the pants in a relationship this is often cheered on and celebrated. Men will laugh at men who are "whipped" but there seems to be this perception that it is a good thing is a woman is controlling the relationship and is in charge.

I have nothing against women or men in charge. I have nothing against anyone wearing pants and holding powerful positions. But when it comes to relationships, it's not about a power dynamic.

Anyone who has been in a long, successful relationship knows that it works best if no one is wearing pants at all. This can be taken literally or metaphorically.

Literally speaking, who the hell even likes pants? They are basically prisons for the legs. They are often too tight and the constrict you in all the wrong places. Sure you can do a lot more in a pair of jeans or tights then you could in a full-length skirt, but given the choice I'd rather not be wearing any of the above. That's why pants are the first thing to come off for a lot of people when they get home.

Metaphorically speaking, if no one is wearing pants, then the power balance in the relationship is evenly divided. No one has power over the other. You are on equal footing. And that is where you really want to be in a relationship.

It's not about controlling your partner, regardless of their gender. It's about respecting the fact that each of you brings something different to the relationship.

For many couples, the balance will shift constantly as time goes on. One person may work more or less than the other. One person may earn more or less than the other. One person may do more or less than the other around the house.

The roles within your relationship are ultimately yours to decide, but if you spend your time obsessing about controlling your partner and micromanaging their behaviour, then it's likely not a good relationship.

Things work best when you take the pants off entirely. Things work best when your relationship isn't about power and control. Instead make it about balance, respect, and understanding. It will go a lot better that way.

So next time someone asks you "who wears the pants in your relationship?" think about your response for a moment. Because if your answer isn't "we both do" or "neither of us do" then there is an imbalance somewhere. And it is something you should address sooner rather than later.