The Aftermath of Abuse

In my last post, I shared my own experience that I’ve had with domestic violence in an abusive relationship. I knew it was an issue, but wow, I never realized how truly relevant it was until I got so many responses to my last post from people who are either in the same situation, or had been at some point. It’s heartbreaking to hear that it’s happening all around me, however, it makes me that much more content with my own story going public. I feel so relieved that my story impacted readers, and brought attention as well as started conversations that need to be had. A lot of people reached out to me with questions, such as “how do you handle dating now?” “are you still scared of him?” and simply “how do you cope?”. All solid questions in which I will now address in my second post called: The Aftermath of Abuse. Then I shall move on from this particular subject because who wants to dwell on damage?

The thing about manipulation is that it can go so deep (if it’s done correctly) that you are not even able to have conversations with yourself. When I was in this horrible relationship, I was so convinced that I was unconditionally in love that the mental, emotional and physical abuse didn’t appear as a red flag to me. Obviously, it hurt. It hurt every day and I could see clearly the damage that was being done to me. However, I did not see that as “this person is damaging me”. To me, it was “wow our love is so twisted and dark, it must be real.” You know how lots of pop culture portrayals of love nowadays are usually surrounded around some sort of sacrifice or pain? The Twilight Saga, for example, Bella has to become a vampire to be with Edward. He can’t have sex with her because he’ll kill her. Yet, they were the most glorified love story throughout my entire middle school, AKA a huge influence on the way I view love. The couple in Fifty Shades, he is extremely controlling and begins to be abusive yet that book owned 2012. It’s entertainment, and it sells, but I’m just saying – it’s what I’m exposed to. So, in my optimistic little mind, I said “okay, well, my boyfriend is troubled and he takes it out on me. But I take care of him, he needs me, he will get better, he won’t always be like this, therefore I will put up with the abuse and all of the permanent damage it is causing to my soul.” Friends, readers, haters, whoever you are, if there is one thing I want you to take away from this post it is this: it will not get better. If your significant other abuses you, don’t think for one second that you can change them. You will not see happy days somewhere down the road where they never lay a hand on you and only make you feel good and secure inside. You need to run. Run for the hills and don’t look back.

The good thing about the delusional mindset that I had while I was IN the relationship, is that it masked what was actually going on. Therefore, I just thought I was in a fucked up love that you’d watch on TV that ended with happily ever after. Completely oblivious. It wasn’t until it was over that I sat down and reflected on all the different ways he messed me up. It wasn’t just hitting me, or belittling me, it was so much more. In order to properly explain how I bounced back I have to give a little more of the backstory so here it is: my parents are lovely people. They are smart, sane, and don’t put with my shit. When they realized that I was still seeing him, they kicked me out of the house. This was completely justified because they knew of his criminal activity and they knew how irrational I was when it came to him. They didn’t want that under their roof, I wouldn’t either. So I got kicked out. He told me I could live with him, and bless my soul for the only smart decision I made in this whole relationship, I said no. I moved in with a friend and her family whom I can never thank enough for taking me in. I was kicked out on a Thursday, and by that Sunday he had broken up with me, blocked my number, and acted like he never knew me. My parents took my car when I got kicked out too so the back of his motorcycle was my transportation. He had promised to take care of me now that I was on my own then left me with no warning or explanation. I had no money, no car, no family, and no strength to pick myself back up from this point because he had knocked me down so far. For a solid 3 days I just cried and waited for him to come back and cried some more. During these tear filled days is when sadness left and rage took over. I was sulking over someone who made me a terrible version of myself. I didn’t like who I was. I hated it. My whole life I’ve been headstrong and confident and optimistic. He turned me into a weak, damaged, now 20 year-old girl who had no self worth and thought her entire life destiny was to be with him. Seriously? What was wrong with me? I began to think about who I was with him, and who I was whenever he would leave me. Then I realized how blessed I was that he left. He left! Because when I do, it doesn’t matter he just stalks me until we’re back together. But HE left. Once I discovered how powerful I was without his presence, is when things began to turn around.

I used the anger I had from him pushing me to be kicked out of my house and losing everything then abandoning me as motivation to get as mentally strong and emotionally balanced as I could before he came back so I could break this cycle and be done with him forever. I had to re-train my mind. I told myself non-stop that he was bad for me, more than bad for me he was the death of me. I had to constantly remind myself that not only am I better off without him but I FEEL better without him. I started feeling like myself again. I mean hey, I may have lost my car and my family but I lost him also which was a total gain because I could be anything with him out of the picture. I worked my ass off for a couple months. I walked home from work every night. It was a long walk but it was when I did my thinking – I broke down and identified all of the things he did that changed me. Telling me I’m ugly, I’m too skinny, now I’m getting fat, I’m stupid, I’m soft, I’m weak, I’m inferior to him, I don’t know anything about the world, the list goes on. Those words paired with bruises and getting cheated on is what completely demolished my self worth. I had absolutely none. I contemplated suicide multiple times. I genuinely thought it wouldn’t matter. I felt I was nothing in the world. But I kept walking. I started waking up early and running. I started trying to rebuild my relationship with my parents. I started hanging out with friends. I even started talking to a new guy. I became stronger every day. My mind wasn’t fully right yet, I still would want him back at times and doubt myself but for the most part, I was getting better. I watched myself get better every day. Every time I started to think that I still loved him, I’d remind myself of all the different ways that he hurt me and I was quickly reminded to stay far away from him. Every time that I pulled myself out of that mindset, it strengthened me. I felt more confident in myself and started to care about myself again. It was a matter of protecting me, and who I am. I was rebuilding myself.

It had been about 2 months and I was doing pretty good. I liked another guy for the first time since I got in that awful relationship, and it showed me how it felt to be with a good guy. I liked him a lot. He would tell me not to walk home because it was dangerous and asked me things like “can I get you anything?”. It was really strange to be asked those sort of questions but I liked it. He was sweet and he made me laugh and it was inspiring to experience a genuinely good guy who wouldn’t think to put his hands on a woman. It didn’t work out, but at least I know there are good ones out there who can treat you right. It’s probably for the best that it didn’t work because a really big part of the aftermath is that I just want to be alone. The thought of sharing my life with another person right now makes me kind of sick. I spent so much of my life giving all of my time and energy to someone else and not thinking of myself once. I feel so much relief in the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone. No man is wondering where I am, or wanting me to be with him. Besides that one guy, I haven’t even experimented in dating someone else yet so I can’t really say what that’s like. I can tell that I don’t possess emotions right now that one would need to be in a relationship. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body anymore. The thought of going on a date gives me anxiety. I don’t see any positives of being in a relationship right now and I don’t envision myself getting married down the road. I know that if I meet “the right person” these feelings can change, but after everything I’ve been through, this is how I feel now. I can’t imagine myself trusting someone enough to be with him. I don’t know. I hope that changes because being emotionless is kind of boring. The plus side to my current mindset on relationships is that I don’t waste time anymore. Not mine, or the guy that’s trying to holler at me. I know BS when I see it and I won’t so much as reply to a text message if I don’t see any potential. Some guys have said that I’m a bitch when it comes to handling their interest in me. I’ve also had a guy tell me that if I go out with him it’ll help me “get better”. LOL. If not being interested makes me a bitch, then I guess I’m a bitch.

I started going back to school, which kept me extremely busy and focused on my future which I saw getting brighter and brighter. It had been 3 months since I got kicked out, and I got myself a car. Getting a car is a huge accomplishment in general, but for a girl who was left with nothing and walked home from work every night to get herself a 2016 Jeep…? I was proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I was also extremely happy with myself, and grateful that I would give myself something so amazing- when a few months ago I wouldn’t even give myself the strength to say no to someone. I started spending more and more time with my family, which always made me feel better because that’s one of the biggest damages that my relationship caused. I had my parents back, almost done with my AA, a new car, and newfound strength from overcoming a very shitty relationship and hitting rock bottom. All of these things made me feel empowered, but there are still plenty of low points. There are nights when I’m driving home from work and I start to cry because of how much it hurts or how alone I feel. There are times when I sit and wonder why he did what he did to me and why I wasn’t good enough for him to treat me right. There are moments where I absolutely hate myself for letting it happen. There are mornings where I wake up and feel hopeless. Talking about it helps- writing it down, telling your best friend, or telling a stranger. Keeping it bottled up only keeps the anger and hurt inside. Say it out loud, admit that it happened, and begin to move on. The most important thing is to just keep going. Every day I live in fear that he is going to show up and either hurt me or try to manipulate me again. Every day there is a split second where I doubt myself based on things that he said about me. I am much stronger, but I am still weak.

Now, we are in present day. It has been 8 months since he left me and I am fearless. I know exactly what I want to do with my life because I took the time to examine myself and what I want. I know exactly who I am and I know my worth. Thank you, to my ex for putting me through that because I am not to be messed with anymore. I’m not afraid to stick up for myself, I’m not afraid to say what I want, and I’m not afraid to live my life anymore. He cannot touch me, nor anyone else for that matter. I think the beautiful part of being abused in this way is what it can do for you in the long run. I am now almost 21 and I know what to look out for. I know what is good for me and what is not and I won’t allow anything remotely harmful to be in my life for more than a minute. I wake up every day knowing that my day belongs to me. I want everyone who goes through this to come out this way. Let your tragedies make you stronger. Take the bad and make it good. There is no one on this earth who should have more power over you than yourself. I know the long term damage that an abusive relationship can have on you – don’t let it.