My Infertility

We thought we had done everything right. We bought the big house, we exchanged our promises of forever and then... nothing. That baby we had been waiting for never came.

We tried for a baby for two years before we realised that there must be something wrong. My sister-in-law was on her second pregnancy announcement and we were still getting those negative tests.

My suspicions had been rising for months but I was too afraid to say anything. I didn't want to be the one to blame.

The first time we went to the doctors and we were dismissed, told that we were only young and not to worry about it. If you are from the UK you might be aware that the NHS are cutting back on their fertility services. It's even harder to get help if you are under 30. We waited another year, still no baby.

When we returned to the doctors again, I was referred for an ultrasound. I was eventually diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

This illness makes you feel like less of a woman. My hormones do crazy things and my body produces too much testosterone. I think maybe I could live with that part though.

I am currently considering putting our house on the market. It sounds stupid but when you envisaged those empty rooms being occupied by tiny feet you struggle to accept that it may always be empty.

The guilt is tough, I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly. But seeing him play with his nephews just breaks my heart. I am denying him that. He may never get to see himself in a baby because of me.

It makes you bitter. You see all of these people announcing their pregnancies and you are happy for them but it only makes your womb feel that much emptier.

How am I coping?

I'm doing my best not to think about it. Having a baby would make our lives amazing, but our lives aren't over. I'm trying to create a life I can be happy with even if my womb is still empty.

The feelings above won't go away. That stab of envy is still there when I scroll through social media and see those announcements, but I am doing my best not to let this beat me down.

In 2018, I am going to Las Vegas with my husband for our anniversary. It's somewhere we wouldn't really be able to go with a newborn and there won't be many babies around.

I am going to start taking a self-defence class. I think self defence is important and it is something I've always wanted to do. I couldn't do it pregnant. And I could use the happy endorphins (or serotonin, or whatever).

I'm also going to try to learn Japanese. It is something I have always wanted to do but have never had time for. Japan is on the list of countries I want to visit and one day I'm sure I will get there.

Concentrating on becoming a better, healthier, smarter person is how I am going to beat the feelings that this illness creates inside me. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards for me, and although that kills me inside, I know I need to work towards accepting it.

With or without children, I still need to try to find a way to build a life that I can love and be proud of. I don't want to be that little old lady who has nothing but a list of regrets.

I won't let my infertility stop me.