Living in Fear

I was fresh out of my first year of college and I was ready to experience new things. I never had a boyfriend and that was something I wanted for a while. I think that I was desperate to have someone who would love me that I settled for the first guy to pay me any attention. I feel like my dad and his lack of affection for me is partly to blame.

I met a man much older than me who I thought would love me and care for me. Soon after we were dating, I moved in with him. Everything was going good and I was happy. About three months went by when I first got hit by him. He apologized and said it would never happen again. Slowly he started to tell me how I needed him and that nobody was going to love me or care for me. He took control of my money and made me work two full time jobs. The abuse became a weekly event. It wasn’t just physical abuse, it was mental and sexual. He tried to pimp me out a few time, but lucky for me it never worked out for him. He turned me into his slave, I wanted to please him if only not to get hurt.

Fast forward to a year and half into the relationship and I was completely trapped. I believed every word he sad and did anything he told me. After coming home from my second job, I was telling him about my day when something I said set him off. He charged at me with a wild look in his eye, he began chocking me, and questioned me. He was about to make me pass out and he let go only to grab my throat again. I tried to get away when he kicked me to the ground. I crawled out of the house and went to the gas station next to where we lived. There I called the police. He was arrested and charged with domestic violence by strangulation.

His friends pressured me into dropping the charges and when he was released he made me feel like it would never happen again. He always said that and I always believed him. It wasn’t long until he was hurting me again. The only way I got out of there was by leaving the state. I moved back to my home state and even once I was away, he still had control over me.

A few months after moving back home, I met a man so kind and so sweet. He truly loved me and never hurt me. I never saw him mad and he would not even yell. Eventually we got married and had our wonderful son. I love them both so much and he finally showed me how love really is. I am lucky to be alive and have such a great life now.

To anyone suffering with the silence of domestic violence, you are not alone! You can live without them! You will be loved! You can provide for yourself and you deserve much more than what you have now. It was scary leaving because I had been made to believe my life would never be the same without that man. He was right! My life is not the same! It’s better, so very much better! I never have to live in fear again. I never have to wonder if what I say will get me beat. I never have an empty bank account, because I actually get to keep my own money. I had to go to a therapist and realize that I needed help. There are many resources out there and you don’t have to do it alone. Take a stand! You can do it! Never feel shame for asking for help, it was never your fault!