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Innocence Stolen

Unimaginable Strength

By Megan WheelerPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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Growing up from what I can remember, I didn't have a horrible childhood. Both my father and my mother provided my brother and I with all that we as children would need materialistically and emotionally. I remember my mother and I not being super close, that was saved for my brother. Myself, I was a daddy's girl. Both my parents were hard workers and worked quite a lot, my dad more-so than my mother, being he had quite a few old fashioned ideals. My brother and I were close but grew apart as teen years came upon us and incidentally our hormones that made us detest each other. My parents went on to get a divorce in my early teens thus causing a divided home; I with my father and my brother with my mother. My brother would go on to thrive both socially and financially as my mother soon moved out of state once we reached adulthood. My dad ended up remarrying twice and is finally happy. Where did I end up? Jobless for most of my early 20s. In and out of therapy for a good 2 years after a failed suicide attempt around 21 years old. Did you know that severe abuse can cause lapse in memory from the time it happened until after it stopped and sometimes longer? Well if you did know that, you knew more than I did. After my suicide attempt I was put into therapy twice a week for the next 24 months. Upon being in therapy I discovered that I had been blocking out memories of being molested 8 years as a child. My suicide attempt was due to being overwhelmed with the side effects of PTSD. At the time of my attempt I did not know what PTSD was or that it was a thing. All I truly knew was I was having night terrors that were so vivid I would wake and believe I was still living the nightmare due to smells as well as seeing and hearing things; all which were never there after I woke up. I knew before seeking help I had been abused. It just flooded me one day when I was around 17. It was well after my parents departed for real, my dad fell ill, my brother and I barely spoke, and I was home-schooled and isolated. It was enough of a severe wave of constant stress that all of the memories one day were back.

I could remember in detail things my molester did to me. I remembered where I was, what I was wearing, what he said and did, and often times I remembered how he smelled. But when I started to remember I also started remembering the threats he would tell me to make sure I would never speak and although it had been many years since I saw this man it still sent a wave of fear through me so badly that I felt chilled to the bone. I did not speak about any of the side effects I was having once they started. I was 21 years old when I finally broke down and notified my close family of what had happened to me. I am currently 28 years old and to this day I have not gathered all the pieces. I struggle every single day. I managed to get a job and keep it. I am going nearly 3yrs strong in an amazing career. I finally as of 2017 got my own apartment with my roommate and after moving I was able to successfully ween myself off all of my depression an anxiety medications. I will never be cured. Some days are easier than others and some days I regret getting off my medication. The lasting effects of being molested as a child are forever. You may look at me or anyone else who has been molested and think we are normal and in ways we are and most of us lead amazing, adventurous lives but deep down there is still an open wound that has yet to be closed. The fear I have in a lot of situations to this day makes me break down in tears because I so badly want to be that outgoing and carefree girl with no worries in the world. The abuse was so bad that even smells break my mental psyche down to crumbles. I have come leaps and bounds from the day I came out to my family about this secret and for that I am so happy for myself. I will not stop growing and bettering myself. I am behind compared to many my age but I continue to fight every single day to keep growing as a strong, vibrant, beautiful woman.

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About the Creator

Megan Wheeler

I have a passion for arts. I thrive in a world of color and am a self taught photographer, model, and makeup enthusiast.

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