I Was Gang Raped at 13...

This is probably a story that many of us, too many of us, can tell. It's a story that's been forgotten, pushed under the rug, and only recently with the #metoo movement, even been acceptable to relate to family and friends, let alone strangers who may judge, denigrate, and victim blame me. I won't go into details in this piece, but at 13 I ran away and in the process, I was gang raped by five men and an 11-year-old little boy. Through the grace of God and my determined mother, I was saved from the child trafficking ring these men had established in Las Vegas. Basically, their operation had members who sought out "lost" middle school girls and convinced them to run away to their "house" where they were raped "to break them in" and then shuttled to California. I was the second girl from my middle school who was targeted by this operation. The first girl was taken to California and never seen or heard from again.

Rape is an extremely traumatic event and my particular situation was extremely traumatic. I suffer from PTSD, panic attack disorder, and for a long time, I went untreated. My family, meaning well, tried to get me counseling but at the time I refused. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it! I wanted to forget it. Over the years, I literally had suppressed as many of the details as possible. I didn't reference myself as a rape survivor, especially not a survivor of a child prostitution ring. I simply pushed all of those memories into the deepest recesses of my subconscious. Years went by and I was accepted to college on a full academic scholarship. And then, unexpectedly, my memories and the trauma returned. I was surrounded by a lot of men; fellow students, professors, even the male commuters on the bus frightened me to death. I thought that they were all after me, that they all secretly wanted to rape me. I suffered a nervous breakdown and ended up pretending I was someone else at campus, down to faking an accent. I was protecting my "true self" from all those strangers, I thought. Eventually, I was outed by a friend and I had to come clean to my mother who, blessing her heart, had already been through so much, and who had no tools to help a daughter suffering so badly. I was again advised to seek counseling but after a handful of sessions, I stopped going and eventually became a shut-in. I didn't realize it then but I was continuing the habit that I had established when I was 13. Evasion, self-denial and self-neglect.

At 27, I confirmed what everyone already suspected, that I was a lesbian. I struggled with "coming out" because I knew people would judge me... "You're just acting out because you were raped." I didn't have the strength to defend myself from such accusations, even though I had already expressed a childish crush on another girl prior to being raped...

Anyway, I went through three VERY tumultuous relationships with three vastly different women, all of whom had experienced sexual abuse at some level. None of them had answers and were suffering like me, if not worse. The last woman had turned her pain into rage and was extremely violent towards me. I thought I deserved this treatment. I had started to believe I wasn't worth love, that I had a scarlet letter on my back that broadcasted to everyone I had been victimized before and would probably be victimized again... It took me two years to realize that I needed to get away from the abusive relationship, that I deserved better, that I wasn't a victim, that I deserved respect and love and counseling... Lots and lots of counseling.

When I told this woman I was leaving her, that we both needed psychiatric help for our pasts, it was time to put an end to the violence... she attacked me and caused me to have severe chronic pain in my neck and back, rendering me partially paralyzed for a month and causing long-term, permanent damage to my spinal column. I lost my good job, I lost a lot of friends, and I lost my mind. She went to jail but was released after six months... Domestic violence charges are notoriously insufficient compared to the terror of the crime itself and how traumatic the events are on people moving forward. This woman tried to kill me and my mother and expressed a desire to go down in a hail of bullets when the police showed up... It was truly terrifying to come so close to my death... I told God if he let me survive, I would get the psychological help I needed for the issues that had plagued me for so long, the effects of which had made me neglect self-care and had allowed me to devalue myself. And I did. And now that I am healing and on my journey of self-love, self-respect, and bodily recuperation, I made another promise. I made a promise to remove my veil of silence, to share my story and talk to other men and women who have been victims of sexual assault and who are still dealing with the mental and physical repercussions. Trust me, friends... If you are a victim of rape, you must put yourself first and get the psychological help you need. You are not to blame. You are worthy of love and of healing. When we ignore our mental anguish, our mental issues stemming from traumatic events, we aren't loving ourselves. And many suffer for it, like I did, in every relationship afterwards (and especially with myself). Please read these words with caution and acceptance. If you have been victimized or know someone who has, please seek professional mental help. I almost didn't survive to tell this story but if it helps just one person it was worth the suffering and telling.