I'm Standing Here Naked

No, but seriously. I stood there naked. Let me explain. I have allowed the idea of love into my head three times in the life I've lived so far. Three times I got burned, but each time I learned something new about myself and about life. I'm a firm believer in taking the most out of a bad situation and turning it into something good. I learned a long time ago that that's the only way to stay positive about life. For all the ladies that read this, the lesson I learned here was to never let someone manipulate you into something you don't want. Never let them hurt you, hurt your feelings, hurt you soul. Never let them speak to you like you are nothing more than the scum on the bottom of a dirty shoe. And NEVER stop believing how truly beautiful and wonderful you are.

At 18 years old, I met a man who changed my life forever. He was a football player, a playboy kind of player, and the only man who has ever fought for my heart. And boy has he fought. He didn't live very close to me, so it was hard to see each other. We made it work and we talked every day. Nobody has ever challenged me the way he challenged me. He pushed me to confront things that I needed to come to terms with. Things about my past, and personal stuff I was going through in the present day. He made me feel beautiful and perfect despite the things that had made me feel broken and ugly. I thought he was going to be good for me. I could picture a life with him and he wanted it with me. Told me so often it scared me a little. I was really starting to believe him. Keyword there, WAS.

For some strange reason, boys with girlfriends tend to come my way. And this time was no different. Many a month I tried to convince him to end things with her. His Hollywood response would always be "I have to be with her. Our families want us together. But I promise, I'm unhappy." Every time. And I'd take his answer and force myself to just deal with it. Eight months later, he finally ended things with her. I was ECSTATIC! Finally we could be together for real. It's what we talked about for months, and it was finally our time. But he changed. It was too late for me. I was already all in, no going back, damn near head over heels. But he wasn't anymore. He also wasn't willing to let me go. Our texts went from sweet nothings and meaningful conversations to me being a notch on his headboard. All I was, was a good lay. He'd tell me he loved me. Then tell me he was going to sleep with a new girl just to prove a point. I was the future wife he wanted one day and the scum who meant nothing the next. He would beg me to be with him, tell me I was perfect, gain my trust and then the next week call me scum or tell me I was worthless. He would get mad at me for not being one hundred percent open with him, or for not loving him enough. He'd spit hateful words at me, when I chose my schoolwork over him. But he'd tell me he loved me.

My emotions were all over the place. We'd "break up," so to say, seemingly every month and all it took to suck me back in was a little kindness and that voice in the back of my head to remind me I missed not being alone. I was on an emotional roller coaster that I felt would never end. Our very last day together, he told me he loved me while we made love in his bed. Earlier I said that I was quite literally standing naked right in front of him. That night began with I love you's and ended with my baring it all to him as he took one look and left me for good.

I had bared my heart, soul, and body to this man. I let him know things I would never let a man know. I would never have shown as much weakness as I had to him. He made it too easy. I was too comfortable. He made me feel so loved.

He looked at me that night with dead eyes as he walked straight past me out of the room and out of my life. Never in my life have I felt so low. Never in my life had a man just left me so abruptly. I remember he came back a long while later, like he hadn't just made me feel worthless or like some whore. It took me less than thirty seconds to pack my things and leave. For the next year, he would come back to me several times asking for me back; apologizing and criticizing. But I stood strong and I never let him back. Three years later and I can officially say that he has left me alone for good.

It took me a long time to get back to get back to normal. It took me an even longer time to love myself again. I am a firm believer that there is something good to take out of every bad situation. Never in my life have I ever doubted myself so much, felt so worthless, or wanted to hide more than I did at the end of that relationship. Emotional abuse is a real thing, whether people want to believe it or not. It is just as crippling and mind torturing as physical abuse, and the repercussions are equal, if not worse.

My advice to the women (or men) out there riding the emotional roller coaster, is to get out now. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, because there is never a reason somebody should be pushing you around with their words. You are worth it. And if I need to be the one to tell you, then I will. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE AMAZING!