Feeling Unpretty

At 25-years old, I didn't think that this would be how I would live my life. A mom of 3, married, and still unhappy. How do you describe unhappiness when you have everything you had wished for, without sounding ungrateful? Without sounding like you're complaining?

The DUFF

So back in school, I felt like I was the DUFF (the Designated Ugly Fat Friend). For me though, it was more like the "Designated Unappealing Flat Friend". I was the latest bloomer possible. I'm talking, no boobs, no butt, no curves, nothing. I wasn't necessarily "ugly" but none of the boys (to my knowledge), wanted me as their girlfriend. The "popular" kids didn't want to hang out with me. They knew of me, but they didn't care to know me.

In middle school, my best friend got a lot of attention because she was like the Monica to all the guys' Quincy ('Love and Basketball', reference, in case you didn't catch that). She dressed better than most of the guys did, and when she dressed up for formal events like our 8th grade dinner dance, she had more curves than most grown women did. I secretly envied her, but I mean that in the most loving way possible.

In high school, pretty much the same set up. I had a group of friends that all brought something to the table. They were all pretty, they were smart, they had the popularity, and then there was me. The guys would talk to them and I'd just chill in the background. Rumor has it, at one point they even stopped being my friend because I hadn't done "it" yet, like they had. If only they knew though. The most attention I had gotten from the boys in our class was being asked for the answer to number 5 on the test, or being more or less teased because of the books I read (they were those urban "sex" novels). I was the girl that had to ask out her own prom date for Pete's sake. No one was thinking about deflowering me.

In college, I was pretty well known. I was the "Video Girl" (behind the camera, not to be confused with Video Vixen). I had my fair share of steamy (and some lukewarm), encounters. A few even happened to be with some of the most sought after individuals (I'm still trying to figure out how I pulled those off), but they never amounted to much outside of the dorm room. At parties, I typically was a wall flower. Not because I couldn't dance, though that was partially true, but because no one wanted to dance with me. My best friend was something like a hot commodity though. I made one hell of a wingwoman for her, which I'm proud of. A part of me just wished it was her getting the sidekick gig for the night instead of me though.

Married With Children

I met my husband while in high school. He was a year above me, so in high school terms, that essentially meant he was out of my league. He was the scrawny, loner, yet cool kid in my Spanish class that I found so cute. In my mind, I thought he was cute but just ugly enough to want me and not have a girlfriend. I was wrong though... he thought I was annoying (which was partially true), and friend zoned me. He was by no means "ugly" to the high school population either. On numerous occasions, I found out that he was single, but every time I tried to make my move for him, he shot me down. He had girlfriend after girlfriend, (in his defense, he did go back to the same girl a few times). After awhile, I gave up the 'Be His Girlfriend' mission and grew content with just liking him from afar.

Fast-forward about 6 years from when we first met, (yes it really took that long), my long-time high school crush kissed me on my mom's front porch, bought me a stuffed Minion, and asked me to be his girlfriend. My dreams had come true! My dedication had paid off! We survived a long distance relationship for a year, moved in together once I graduated college, got married a little while later, and now we have 3 beautiful children together. Not to rub it in any of my friends' faces, but this DUFF sure did do pretty good in the end.

History Repeats Itself... Again

So how is it that I, the DUFF of all her friend groups, is still unhappy? I got the guy I had wanted for so long. I got married after being single for so long. I have arguably the greatest kids of all time, and yet, I'm not happy.

At 25-years old, I've gone through ups and downs in my marriage. We have had our fair share of moments that I wish to not relive or speak on at the moment. We have also had moments that some would even label #CoupleGoals. I have had the pleasure of bringing two beautiful babies into this world and raising them along with their older brother. I have been working hard on getting my post baby body to look even better than my pre-baby body, and the hard work is starting to pay off. Still, I feel like I'm not good enough.

I went through a period of time following the birth of my daughter where I had postpartum depression. I was prescribed medication to help me through my days, and I started working out as a way to distract myself as well. It was working at first. Despite the help the medicine and exercise provided, my stress levels were high for one reason or another. I stopped taking the medication once the postpartum sadness went away. As a side effect, my hair started to fall out. The stress of dealing with 3 kids and being a stay-at-home mom, and now hair loss, made my hair fall out even more.

I'm at a point now where I'm insecure with how I look. My husband is a super buff, fit, tattooed guy. Standing next to him, I used to feel like we didn't match and that I didn't deserve him. My hair was the one thing I always had going for me, even in my younger days. Now that it's falling out, I feel like I don't deserve him anymore/again. I'm unhappy because I worked so hard to get to where I was confident in my simple beauty, and now it's tearing itself down. I'm unhappy because I see women checking out my husband and I feel like I have to compete with them. (Disclaimer: he doesn't entertain them and still makes me feel beautiful, I'm just going through a tough time where I feel otherwise.) I'm unhappy because I'm starting to feel like the DUFF again.

Past events have shown that this is just a phase though. Feeling like the DUFF, feeling unpretty, feeling undesirable; all of that will fade in due time. I just have to remind myself of the good and embrace the possibilities of what may come, and I'll be okay. This was not me asking for pity, or trying to shame my friends or husband for making me feel this way. It's a way for me to share with others that may feel or have ever felt the same way. A way for them to see that they aren't alone. If history does indeed repeat itself, the day will come where I'm pretty again.