Cookie Cutters

Since I was young, I’ve always struggled with my self image. I hid behind various aliases depending on who I was with and what group I wanted to fit in with. My choices and my actions were heavily influenced by my need to be accepted.

During my years in high school, I was constantly changing my interests, my hair, my style, and sometimes everything about myself to either fit in with a group of girls or attract the attention of the boy I was crushing on at that time. I was always self-conscious of my body and the clothing that I wore so I tried to convince myself that if I dressed like the other girls, I would be accepted by them. I bought clothing similar to theirs and wore it when I was around them. I started acting like them and picking up on their personality traits; I made myself into a cookie cutter teenager.

They say that it takes time to really learn who you are, but at the time, I wasn’t concerned about becoming my own person; I just wanted to fit in. Because of my anxiety, it has always been a challenge to make friends. I have a tendency to allow people to talk over me and it was a real struggle for me to assert myself in situations and make myself known. Instead of learning how to be assertive, I kept quiet as though I didn’t exist. I figured that if I started to act like everyone else, maybe, just maybe, someone would notice me and I’d make a friend. So, I changed who I was simply to fit in.

Crushing was a completely different story. If I liked a guy, I would change my hobbies and interests just to reflect those of this man. I convinced myself that I was into jogging, or playing the guitar, or heavy metal music just so that a guy would notice me. I sound almost desperate, and I suppose at that point in time, I really was. There was one guy, I had a crush on him for five years and he never paid me any attention even though I said I was into running and playing the guitar and even reading instruction manuals at the kitchen table during breakfast. His father ran a small group and I busted my butt to make sure that I went above and beyond with my assigned homework and bringing snacks whenever I could. His parents seemed to appreciate me, but he never did. This was a huge decrease in my self-confidence, but looking back at things now, I wasn’t even being myself.

Body image has always been a big issue for me. I have curves and unfortunately, as much as an hourglass figure is the body type that all women apparently envy, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Try finding pants that fit when you have a big butt and a small waist; it’s nearly impossible. I don’t wear high-waisted bottoms because they’re in style, I wear them because they fit my body. As every woman does, I have days where I look in the mirror and I feel absolutely crappy; I feel fat, my hair won’t cooperate, there’s another zit on my nose and a rash on my neck. Those are usually the days where I don’t leave my house and I lounge around in leggings and a baggy t-shirt. However, the older I get, the more I’m learning about loving myself. I tried on a swimsuit the other day and I actually felt good in it. I didn’t feel self-conscious, I was proud of my figure. Lately, I’ve been able to dress myself in ways that are flattering to my figure and I can honestly say that I’m starting to learn how to love my body for how it is.

I’m also learning who I am. Though it still happens at times, I try not to let other people persuade me to change; I am who I am and either you like me, or you don’t. There are always going to be people in this world that will dislike you or even hate you despite all of your attempts to be friendly towards them. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and once that happens, you’ll learn who your real friends are. It’s crazy to look back on how I used to act and how I act now. I’m not ashamed of the fact that I have a loud laugh and I occasionally snort when I do. I’m not scared to sing off key or dance like a maniac with my friends and out in public on the odd occasion. I’m not ashamed of the way I dress and how some of the things I wear are different than other people; fun fact is that I’ll start wearing a style and a month or so later, it becomes trendy. I am proud to be an individual.

So in this world filled with people who are becoming nothing more than carbon copies and cookie cutter shapes, stand out. Don’t be afraid to be who you truly are because honestly, people will respect you more if you respect and appreciate yourself. Love your body, love your personality, love you. There will never be another you, so start enjoying your life by loving yourself.