An Abortion Saved My Life

The ride to Peoria was quiet. I sat up front with Dad, Nanny, and Jasmine were in the back. With every breath I took I felt a sharp, stabbing feeling in my right rib cage.

I remember asking mom what it felt like to have a blood clot, and for once she was at a loss for words. Now I understood why.

I tried to focus on the radio to get my mind off of our destination, but my brain wasn't cooperating. Our destination was a women's health clinic in Peoria, Illinois where I was scheduled to have an abortion. At 19 years old, I was 7 weeks pregnant with a very large pulmonary embolism in my right lung. The blood clot consumed approximately 80% of my lung. Due to my physical health, more than one doctor informed me that neither I nor the baby would survive my pregnancy and I would not be able to carry the baby to term.

We finally reached our destination and began to turn into the lot. Waiting for every woman that was heading towards the clinic, were abortion protesters. When my dad pulled in, they rushed to my side of the car carrying their pro life signs. These individuals looked at me with more hatred, judgement, and disgust than I had ever experienced.

Studying these people who claimed to be so passionate about life, one thing became perfectly clear: they did not give a damn about me or my life, all they cared about was the fetus inside of me.

At first I wanted to cry when confronted by them. Then my sadness grew to anger at the realization that even if they had known my situation and had known that this was a matter of life and death, that they would've rather I died. I have had to come to this realization with my own family. I received some support, but just knowing that even a few family members would've rather seen me attempt to carry the child just for my child and I to die is one of the most devastating realizations I have ever came to. I couldn't help but wonder what mom would say if she were here to see this. I wondered how she would handle the situation or what words of advice she would give.

My mother just passed away 10 days before, and she was still very fresh on my mind. My mom was always in my corner. When anything would happen, good or bad, my mom was always my first call. I could talk to her about anything. I didn't just lose my mom. I lost my best friend, my support system, my mentor, and my role model. Now I had to face the most serious health issues I've ever had and I had to make one of the biggest decisions of my life without my mom.

I knew she was pro-choice, like myself, my Dad, and my grandmother, but I couldn't help but wonder what piece of advice or words of wisdom she would have in this situation.

I was snapped back to reality when my dad put the car in park. I got out of the car as gently as I could, avoiding bumping into anything at all costs. The parking lot was slanted in a way that we had to walk uphill to the stairs to get to the door.

My breathing became heavier and heavier as we came to the stairs. It felt as though I was being stabbed over and over again in my rib cage. I had been in pain before, but nothing compared to this.

My stomach flipped as I opened the door. To my surprise the waiting room was packed. I checked in and began filling out my paper work. My hands shook as I tried to write legibly.

I turned in my papers and waited to be called back. After waiting for over an hour, I was called back to make my payment. As soon as I walked through the first set of doors, a wave of tears poured down my face.

I felt silly for crying before anything really started happening, but my emotions were all over the place. The staff tried to calm me down and they were very polite and understanding.

After making my payment, I went to the second waiting room. I was waiting my turn to get an ultra sound. As the minutes turned into hours I became very, very nervous. One of the women waiting with me noticed my distress and leaned over towards me to comfort me. I will never know her name, but I will always remember her kindness.

Eventually I was called back for my ultra sound. I saw the child growing inside of me on the screen. My heart dropped and tears came to my eyes. I never imagined that my first pregnancy would be like this. I never imagined having to make this kind of decision. I never imagined loving something that was growing inside of me with so much depth. Even at 7 weeks, the love I felt for the child growing inside of me was incomparable to anything I had ever felt.

I was grateful when the ultra sound was over so I could stop torturing myself with my thoughts.

I was then taken to what this facility referred to as counseling. I was taken to a small room and given the option to call family back. I told them I wanted my dad and they left me in the room to get him. Looking around the room, there was a small table with all of the tools they were going to use on me sitting on a cloth.

My stomach flipped when I saw these frightening, sizable objects that would soon be inside of me. I felt sick and broke out in a sweat. I started to shake and decided not to look back at the table if I could avoid it.

My dad walked in and I've never seen so much concern for me on his face than I did in that moment. His eyes widened when he saw the tools on the table and like me, he tried to avoid looking at them.

They talked us through the procedure and tried to be as detailed as possible. I already did extensive research on abortions beforehand and knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for this experience.

They gave me some Xanax to calm me down before taking me to the final waiting room before the procedure. The medication helped some, but it wasn't enough to calm the storm that was raging inside of me.

When my name was called I wanted to run and hide. But instead I took a deep breath and walked with the assistant.

When I walked into the room I had been dreading to walk into for almost 5 hours, I froze. I saw the tools on the stand next to the bed and I lost it. I started shaking and began to cry.

Once I got myself somewhat together, I stripped down and waited on the table for the doctor. They put in an IV with medication to calm me down, but I felt no change in my anxiety level.

The doctor came in and we locked eyes. In his eyes I saw pity and compassion. He was kind but thankfully he was quick. I couldn't see what was happening but I could feel every pull, scrape, and tug.

I could feel how deep inside of me the tools were. I could feel the tools scraping against my insides. It was very painful. The sensation was very similar to menstrual cramps, but these were far more intense. It was not more painful than my blood clot, but it certainly pushed my limits. It took three people to keep me still on the table while he performed the procedure. I shook violently and cried hysterically. I called out for my mom over and over again. One of the assistants stayed close to my upper body, trying to get me to look at her instead of looking at what was happening to me.

The procedure took less than 10 minutes, but it felt like it took hours. When it was finally done I stood up and was feeling kind of dizzy. One of the assistants led me to the recovery room. I instantly felt empty. I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't feel anymore. I felt numb and lifeless.

They watched me closely for several minutes and gave me water and cookies.

When I was released to my family, I still felt numb. I felt numb for months. Eventually, my emotions caught up with me. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks on occasion from this experience.

In addition to recovering from the abortion, I had to get admitted to the hospital to treat my blood clot. They pumped me full of blood thinners and after almost a week I was able to return home.

I'm coming up on the two year mark since my abortion and I'm in a much better place mentally. The nightmares slowly dwindled and the panic attacks have stopped. I still have flashbacks at times, and they're hard, but at the end of the day it was worth it.

It's one of my most painful memories, but if I had to do it all over again, I would. Without a shout of a doubt, it saved my life.

This is not an easy decision for any woman to make, no matter what her circumstances are. This is not a decision that the government should have control over. This is not a decision women should be made to feel guilty for.

Abortions will always be happening, legal or not. I'm just thankful I had the privilege to have a safe abortion done by professionals. So many women before me did not get that privilege, and I will always be so grateful that I did.